Christmas Hols

Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.

Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!

I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:

That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.

In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).

Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!

Tough Times

It has been a very up and down week. Not much change there then! I felt so much better when I last posted, but somehow it went downhill again. I visited a friend at the weekend, which was absolutely lovely, but when I woke up on Sunday morning without my wonderful other half in bed with me, I just felt sad. I visited my other half's parents on the way home and went out for a good walk with them and the gorgeous labrador they were looking after, which definitely improved my mood.

On Monday, things actually got better. In some ways, this week has improved things a lot - in other ways many things at work have annoyed me. I've worked some long days with early starts, and I am exhausted. Last night I was extremely down, worrying about certain things at work. Somehow though, I feel like I am more on top of things now though and like I can relax a bit more.

I was convinced at the weekend that I needed a new job, but really I'm not sure. I keep wavering. At the moment I'm okay where I am. I'm concentrating on getting through to our Christmas break then enjoying my time off, and hoping that I can switch off properly.

Stress less

My current aim (and I'm sure that of many people) - stress less. Easier said than done. Somehow, I seem to be doing it. After spending last weekend with two friends and talking to them, I started to feel better. Work isn't everything. Spending meaningful time with friends and family is worth a lot more. Aside from transport, I didn't even spend much money - it's not like we did loads of expensive activities, we mostly just walked, talked, ate and enjoyed each other's company. Once I got back home I still had two work free days (hooray) and I really felt that my other half and I made the most of them - tidied/cleaned the house, food shopped, did some Christmas shopping, went to choir, went to the cinema twice, and sorted wedding rings. Oh, and did some sewing and finished my wreath! I really enjoyed myself, and being busy meant I didn't spend my time off moping about going back to work.

Even the return to work wasn't so bad. Actually, I take that back. It was awful. But somehow I don't especially care. I returned to the news that four people in my team have left/are leaving. It's not good news. However, it seems to have freed me a bit. As my other half described it, it's almost like it's okay to move on. Writing that seems stupid - of course it's okay to move on - but in a weird way, I have always felt loyal to the company I work for. Now that more people have left, it's like it would be okay for me to go too. I'm not actually planning to do so, but knowing that I just could, and that there are other jobs out there that I'd probably enjoy and be able to do, makes me feel better. So yes, I will continue to go to work, and I'll continue to work hard and do my best, but I will also be doing my best to not care so much that I stress about it. It's only a job, and I can leave if I want to - there are other jobs out there.

A hard week

It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.

I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.

One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.

Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.

What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.

Up and down

It's been an odd sort of week, and the type of week that I expect will happen often. In short, it's been up and down. I've definitely had less pain and nausea than usual. That said, I've been feeling sad at times. I would say that my stress levels have decreased a little, not because I've got less work or anything but because I'm trying hard to care a little less. However, a bit of sadness has crept in now and again, the reasons for which remain unknown.

Right now, I'm looking forward to my other half arriving home (hopefully only another half hour). I went to the pub for a bit to meet some friends from work, as I didn't really feel like being alone, but to be honest it wasn't the most fun ever. There weren't as many people there as there often are so there were fewer people to chat to.

This weekend is a free weekend - by which I mean I'm not going away and don't have definite plans. I do plan to do some Christmas shopping, however if I don't, it's not the biggest issue ever. I intend to have a lie in tomorrow, and get some other stuff done, but no big plans. A bit of a mooch around the house is in order, and muchly needed.

I don't really understand why I get sad. Sometimes I think I need a new job, and at other times I don't think it has anything to do with my job. I'm also torn between needing enough hobbies to keep me busy and distracted, and thinking that I shouldn't need to be distracted and should resolve whatever I currently find I need to be distracted from. In any case, I don't think there's any harm in spending time doing things I enjoy - and to be honest, that often resolves the sadness. It's just difficult to understand where it's coming from.

This weekend I'm hoping to get on with some sewing - I'm making an advent calendar which involves a lot of little bags, intending to make some Christmas bunting (oh yeah!), and promised my parents I'd sew a cushion cover for the cushion for the bench in their conservatory. I think at this rate I'll be lucky to have it done by Christmas! I don't want to put pressure on myself do them, as if I change my mind, I don't want to make myself feel bad. That said, a bit of a plan is a good thing, as if I'm stuck for what I want to do I already have something in mind. And you never know, maybe I'll even end up with something useful!

Sunday Night Blues

Weekends always seem to fly by far too quickly. Somehow before you know it, it's Sunday evening again! To be honest, work days go pretty fast as well, but weekends especially just disappear. I also usually seem to have plans, and so being busy does make the time just slip right by before your eyes.

When weekends go so fast and you don't want to go back to work (whether that's because you hate it or just because free time is so much more enjoyable), Sunday night blues can be a common occurrence. In reality, for me at least, work is rarely as bad as my anticipation and anxiety fears, so the Sunday night blues really aren't justified. However, they still put in an appearance, so the aim of the game is to banish them as far as possible.

The best way I have found to achieve this is to do something. That means a little planning is required, so that there's no sitting around and not deciding what to do. For us, our plan in the autumn/winter is NFL. We usually settle down to watch NFL for the evening, have some snack food that feels a little like a treat, and spend time together. Whilst we are 'just' watching TV, which is something I wouldn't necessarily recommend for taking your mind off work, we're watching something that we can become emotionally invested in. Not least because we both have fantasy teams so we keep an eye on those.

Other suggestions would be watching a DVD (and concentrating, not doing something else at the same time), playing a board game, going to the cinema, having friends round for games and nibbles, working on a craft project... basically doing something that you concentrate on completely, and that is enjoyable. That way, there's no room left for the Sunday night blues and hopefully you'll be in a good mood as you've been doing something fun. Furthermore, it hopefully results in being nicely relaxed, leading to a good night's sleep and therefore a fresh and positive start to the week. At the very least, it's something to aspire to and work towards!

A mixed bag

This week, as the blog post title suggests, has been somewhat mixed in terms of how I've been feeling. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty awful pain and nausea wise. I kind of expected it first thing on Tuesday as it was the return to work, but I didn't expect it to continue. Wednesday was more or less the same. I think I was stressed - we had lots to do, and there were so many things I had to sort out - but it wasn't anywhere near the same levels as it had been before. I think the turning point for me was Wednesday evening. I tried to stop thinking about work. It's not exactly a novel approach, but usually when I'm stressed about work I try to organise my thoughts. On Wednesday evening I tried to just switch them off. I was busy that evening - we went to the sorting office to collect a parcel, did some food shopping, and stopped at Homebase for some sealant (ah, exciting times!), then made my Christmas cake. However, we'd also decided we should do something, and decided on watching a DVD. Instead of choosing something off our shelves, my other half gave me an early birthday present which was The Lego Movie on DVD. Sitting and actually concentrating on a film (rather than half watching TV whilst messing around on my laptop) really felt like a break. Also, the film is awesome!

Yesterday was my birthday, and despite being at work was a nice day. I felt less ill in the morning, I think due to relaxing more the evening before, and managed to eat more breakfast (the previous two days I managed half a bread roll each day). I was really lucky and felt very loved, as lots of people wished me happy birthday, and I was given cards, and some lovely friends at work brought in cakes which our entire room really appreciated! I also had lots of lovely cards and presents from friends and family, then went out for dinner with my other half which was delicious. We then settled down to watch some of season 1 of The Newsroom which is amazing - we've seen it before but are watching it again before starting season 3!

I think I must have really switched off, as this morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off which is very unusual. I'm normally awake ages before. In fairness, I think I did wake up earlier but I must have drifted back off to sleep. One of my birthday presents was a Fitbit Flex, which is a pedometer and also measures thinks like calories burned, allows you to enter exercise and food (which I probably won't use) but also monitors your sleep. Apparently I woke up once but was restless 22 times. I'm not sure how it measures it but I'm going to look into it further and hopefully it might help me improve my sleep.

It's very odd, going from feeling so awful and being really stressed to feeling much better and more relaxed. It's also most definitely a vicious circle, as the worse I feel the more stressed I feel, and the more stressed I feel the worse I feel. Similarly, the better I feel, the more relaxed I feel, and the more relaxed I feel the better I feel. I am definitely going to try to make more of my evenings so that by relaxing and switching off more, I hopefully continue in the good cycle and prevent myself from feeling ill so much. On that note, I'm off swimming!

Back to reality

Our wonderful break is almost over - we arrived back home today. This afternoon has been spent getting stuff done - unpacking, washing, food shopping, student loan calls (don't ask)... Yesterday and this morning I was feeling pretty down. I think it's an end-of-holiday feeling. My parents always used to call it 'school-itis' at the end of the school holidays! I just don't want to go back, and yet I know that once I'm there it will probably be fine, albeit busy.

On the plus side, I do feel a bit better now. Starting like I mean to go on, I went swimming this afternoon and managed a whole kilometre, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, not to mention feeling good due to the exercise itself as well. Once I'd showered and dressed I wandered past a mirror, and I just looked so healthy - relatively clear skin, a good colour from doing some exercise, hair that actually looks pretty decent right now, and a generally okay body. In a weird way, it felt good to feel good about all of that, having had issues with pretty much all of those things! I suffered from acne when I was younger and it didn't really get much better until my early twenties, I'm very pale, etc etc. If nothing else, I am learning to accept and appreciate my body. Now I just need to learn to appreciate my mind a bit too!

Feeling down and sad is horrible. I don't know how to describe it, other than like being at the bottom of a pit that you don't know how to climb out of. I'm lucky, in that my spells like that don't usually last more than a day or two. It has been worse recently, but never completely horrendous. However, I do have second hand experience of what it's like when it does go on longer, and it's awful. It really scares me that given how stressed and down I do sometimes feel, I could potentially slide downwards and feel like I will never be able to get out of it. The feelings definitely do relate to work, but I'm not sure that they're specific to my job - I think they stem more from my lack of confidence, my tendency to worry about everything, and my inability to detach work and home life. I'm going to work on all three, but concentrate on trying to restore my confidence for the moment. One of the first things I'm going to do is spend time with my best friends. I definitely don't plan to moan to them or sit with a negative attitude, but more to pick their brains to find out what they think I'm good at, what they think I'm suited to doing and how they'd recommend improving my confidence. As they know me best, hopefully it's a good place to start!

Any chance of a weekend off?

My weekends seem to be constantly filled with things. It's amazing being busy and seeing friends, but it also leaves me wondering when I'm going to get things done - for example making the Christmas cake, doing Christmas shopping, cleaning the house - not to mention all of the boring chores that just need doing. It would also be nice to spend some quality time with my other half (although we've done quite well with that this week).

Sometimes, though, it's worth being busy. I'm currently making potential plans go to London to visit a friend who will be over from the States. She is suffering from depression at the moment, and has jumped at the chance to stay in a friend's flat in London for a while and cat-sit, which is brilliant. A few of us are trying to get there to visit as well, hopefully to help her start to feel better, but at the very least so that she knows we are there for her. Part of me is thinking that I don't really have the time or the money to do this, but I think her need is greater. It will just mean that I need to be very good at planning, and strategically use the couple of days that I can still take off work so that I can do things like Christmas shopping during that time.

I will definitely have to be careful if I'm going to do this. Knowing that there are a lot of things that I need/want to get done, there is a good chance that I will end up stressing a lot about when I'm going to be able to do them. If/when I book my train tickets, I am going to have to make a solid plan and ensure that I stick to it. It's not going to be easy. However, sometimes our own problems need to be set aside for a time so that all of our care and attention can be focussed on someone that really needs it.

Holiday downtime

The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.

Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.

I was quite calm at this point!

What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.

I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.

What a difference a day makes

I had wondered how I would feel today. I'm on annual leave, but that doesn't usually stop me worrying about work - normally I worry about whether I've done a good enough job that other people can pick up where I left off, and whether I've handed everything over, whether I've done my work thoroughly enough... the list goes on.

As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.

Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.

I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.

Letting go

It's the weekend! Hooray! I'm definitely starting to feel better. I took my hot water bottle to work yesterday and today and didn't use it once. I've continued to take the Buscopan, and probably will do so at least tomorrow and maybe the next couple of days. I find it hard to switch off, and I can definitely see myself stressing about work next week whilst I'm off. As well as not switching off well, I find it hard to let go of my work. I had a really productive day today - basically because we had to! I had to make sure everything was handed over, and I think we got there. Now I'm just hoping that the next part of the project happening next week goes well. Even though I've passed it on, I still worry about it as it was my work and I will always fret about whether I've done everything I needed to, and whether I've done it properly. I need to remember that it's now with someone else, and that that person is very competent, and that if I've missed something she will pick it up, the same way I would if our roles were reversed. For next week at least, it's not mine to worry about.

It's difficult. Letting go of something that you've invested yourself in is not easy. It's hard not to dwell on things. When you've spent a lot time and effort on something, you want to see it through, make sure it's done properly and in a way, gain closure by completing it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, and neither does my job. It's therefore incredibly important that I find some way of letting go.

There must be ways of learning to let go of things. I intend to try the following:

• reminding myself that my colleagues are amazing, so the project is in good hands
• lots of fresh air and exercise, time with family and activities so that I forget about work completely
• breathing techniques if I do start thinking about work - concentrating on breathing in and out, and pushing work thoughts out of my mind
• trusting people - it fits with the first point really - reminding myself that it won't fall apart without me
• if I do end up stressing, putting things into perspective and thinking 'what's the worst that could happen?'. You know what? It's not that bad.

Aside from all of that, I intend to focus on the positive things - a week off, seeing my wonderful family, spending time with my amazing other half, doing fun things, hopefully playing board games, eating out... So whilst enjoying my week off, I hope to learn better how to let go. After all, I don't actually need more responsibility at work - I have enough of that already - so I'm going to try to see letting go of bits of work as a blessing.

And relax...

A little better

Today I feel a little better. The pain and nausea haven't been anywhere near as big a problem as they have been recently. I'm not really sure whether that's down to taking the medication, my swim, actually stressing less or because I only have one more day left at work before a week off (hooray!).

I woke up in the night and immediately started thinking about the work I had to do. Somehow, I managed to use the meditation techniques from the class last week and concentrate only on my breathing. It really helped me to relax and drift back to sleep, so I'll definitely be putting that into practice more often. The things I was worrying about weren't even things I desperately had to do today, though I do need to do them tomorrow!

Work is crazy busy. I sit down to work on something and my phone rings, I get called away to help other people, I get interrupted by people asking questions... it goes on. I really don't mind helping other people - it's good to share knowledge - but it makes it difficult to get on with my own work at times. I'm going to try to get there slightly early tomorrow so that I can plan my day properly before work really begins. That should hopefully set me in good stead for the rest of the day. Fingers crossed.

Planning is just essential for me if I want to avoid stress, or at least reduce it. It isn't easy, and even if I do manage to form a good plan, it's likely that it won't run as I intend it to. Somehow it's just a case of prioritising as much as possible and, if completely necessary, asking people to get help elsewhere.

I feel more positive though. We will get there.

For better or worse?

After feeling rubbish yesterday, I decided to be a good girl and take the tablets the doctor recommended. I still didn't feel great for some of the morning, but it has definitely been better today in general. Whilst I don't want to rely on the medication, at least I know I can get some relief from the pain and nausea. So hooray!

I still haven't got anywhere with work, but I'm feeling a little better about it. We at least have a plan. I also had a one on one meeting today with a guy who comes and works with our company to help us improve - both as a company and as individuals. He's really good and has a lot of excellent advice on how to be more positive and achieve more. Anyway, he'd spoken to some of my colleagues before meeting with me and they had some really great things to say. That definitely gave me a bit of a boost.

In even more positive news, I actually made myself go swimming this evening. It wasn't a long swim, but it was enjoyable. I find that doing enough exercise to get out of breath does me good, and makes me feel much better mentally (and hopefully has a good impact physically as well!). I only recently started swimming again and I love it - I love doing exercise without getting sweaty!

This evening I feel much better. I still felt pretty stressed at the end of work, so I'm mostly putting it down to swimming and to my wonderful other half, who somehow always knows how to make me feel better. Even just a hug from him improves my mood immensely. I also think the Buscopan is helping - I just want to make sure I get to a point where I don't have to take them every day.

I feel incredibly tired and worn down, and in desperate need of a holiday. What I could really do with is a month off, but given that I can't have that, a week and a day will have to do. Only 48 hours to go until that's a reality, and in the meantime I'll try to relax a bit more whilst I'm having a break from the pain. Hooray!

Solving problems (and hopefully stomach ache)

Today was back to work again, and whilst it wasn't a bad day, I have had nausea pretty much all day. I really need to learn how to deal with it. I do have tablets that I can take when it gets bad (Buscopan), but I don't really want to take them more than I need to. My doctor told me I can take them several times a day, every day - and that some people do as a matter of course. I really don't want to end up relying on them though, so I'm trying not to take them. Thinking about it logically, it seems silly not to make myself feel better, but I think part of me feels that if I take them, I can't tell whether my dietary changes (which still aren't fully formed) are taking effect.

I don't think the stomach pain is really food related, at least not in the main. I think that 80% of it is probably stress induced. I have next week off (hurray!), and I'm really looking forward to it. However, the stress head side of me is just thinking about how much I need to get done in the next three days so that other people can pick up my work whilst I'm off. There is really plenty of time for me to get all of the necessary work done; the problem is that I generally get interrupted a lot and asked to do other things as well, and that's what's going to take the time.

What I need to do in this case is stop stressing about the problem and start finding solutions. I can tell people who interrupt me that they're going to have to come back later. I will prioritise. I can ask other people to pick up some bits of work. There is not one big problem 'I can't get all my work done', there are several small problems that can be solved. In my case, there's one big bit of work that I'm doing with someone else that really needs to be done, or at least passed over fully to my colleague. At times I don't work on it as I have so many other tasks, I want to get some of those out of the way. However, I think in this case the smaller tasks are going to have to wait - they are less important. Although I might feel better if I only have one task instead of ten, if that one is huge and important, it needs prioritising. So tomorrow morning when I arrive at work, I will write my 'to do' list, spend half an hour getting a few small things out of the way, and then I will get to work on the larger task. I think once we start tackling it, it will be fine and (hopefully) I'll be able to wind down and then enjoy my time off.

In the meantime though, I might just take that medication as well.

A down day

Today I have a day off and I should, in theory, feel relaxed and be enjoying the free time (and the break from work). I am enjoying the free time, but I definitely don't feel relaxed.

We spend the weekend with my other half's brother, which included a trip to Wembley yesterday for the NFL game. It was a great game and I really enjoyed it, and I think I even managed to switch off a little. Somehow, though, I just haven't been able to relax at all. This morning we drove back home and I just kept thinking of all of the things I need to do - it wasn't even work that was on my mind. I was feeling tired, which never helps, and I just kept thinking of things I would need to do - washing, food shopping, renewing the car insurance, sorting some more wedding things... The list goes on. I should really do some singing practice as well. My other half is ill, so he's not up to much and I'm trying to look after him, and I seem to have a dodgy tummy.

Anyway, somehow one load of washing has been done, another one is in, there's now enough food in the fridge to last us a few days and I've renewed the car insurance. Wedding stuff is just going to have to wait though. I have choir practice this evening anyway, so I'll go to that, then try to do some practice one evening this week. What I'm saying is that everything that needs doing this afternoon is done, and I'm therefore having a rest. Yes, I have lots of other things to do, but they can wait. I'm trying to make peace with this and accept that not doing these things this afternoon isn't a problem, it won't make anything any worse. Today is a holiday day, so I am going to relax and do something I want to do, not something I think I should do.

I still don't know what's causing my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm almost certain that a large part of it is stress, but I don't think it's the full story. In general I've been trying to cut out gluten and other high FODMAP foods, however as we were away at the weekend I just ate whatever I felt like eating, so it's possibly (probably) just that. I do have some medication I can take if the pain/sickness get too bad, but I don't want to take it too much. My doctor told me that a lot of people take it every day as a matter of course, however if I can remove the cause I'd prefer to do that. What this means is that I'm going to have to experiment for a while. In any case, it's back to low FODMAP if possible for a while to see whether it does make a difference. I still need to do further research to fully understand what I 'should' and 'shouldn't' be eating, however this Wikipedia article explains what FODMAPs are and is a good starting point.

Meditation

I went to my first meditation class on Thursday this week. The hotel where we're having our wedding reception gave us a free, three-month gym membership and they offer a few classes, including a meditation class. Given how awful I've been feeling, I decided it couldn't hurt to go along and try it.

There were only about eight or nine of us there - the other people were really lovely, and since the teacher was a bit late the others welcomed me and gave me the lowdown whilst we were waiting. I was a bit worried that the class would be very new-agey, but my fear was completely unfounded. It was very relaxing and calming. We did some slow, gentle movements, then it was time for deep meditation. We could opt to sit on a chair or lie down - I opted for the chair as that's what most people  did and I had no idea what to expect! We were asked to close our eyes, completely relax our bodies then concentrate on our breathing. As is wont to happen, thoughts kept drifting into my mind, but every so often the teacher would calmly instruct us to push away any thoughts and concentrate on our breathing again. She had a very gentle voice, that wasn't at all disturbing. I think I nearly fell asleep about ten times during the half hour that we were in deep meditation!

It was definitely a little bit weird, but I think I'll go back next week. Aside from anything, I think it will be really good to continue learning to empty my mind and not think about things. I'm hoping that with practice, I'll be able to do it as and when I have a particularly stressful moment just to relieve the worst of it. It's hard to say how effective it is after just one session, but I did sleep well that night and I didn't have terrible stomach aches the day after. The lack of stomach aches could also be attributed to the fact that it was the end of the week though, and perhaps mentally I was winding down to the weekend. In any case, it seems to be an avenue worth pursuing and fingers crossed, it will have some results.

Weekend - time to switch off?

Work is over from the weekend and it's time to switch off. Theoretically, anyway. Usually at this point on a Friday I am going over all my 'to do' lists in my head and trying to organise myself, working out what I will be doing when and how I'm going to fit it all into the weekend.

Today I have actually taken some time out to not do that. There are a couple of reasons for this: firstly we have Monday off work, so I don't have to cram everything in to two days; and secondly, we're going to stay with my brother-in-law (to be) for the weekend, so I won't be at home to have to do all of the zillions of things on my never-ending 'to do' lists. Going away is definitely good for me, as it means I can't be doing house stuff and it distracts me from work stuff.

Unfortunately, we can't be away on holiday every weekend and so there are a lot of times when I am at home, busily cleaning, tidying, fixing, DIY-ing, gardening etc etc - the list goes on. I am slowly trying to accept that there will ALWAYS be things that need doing, and I will never have enough time to do them all - not if I actually want to have a life as well. So whilst this weekend I can switch off, the next time I have a weekend at home and I'm working through my list, I will be trying to prioritise and considering 'what's the worst that would happen if I don't do this?'. I bet most of the time the answer will be 'nothing'. I mean really, who actually cares whether I have hoovered behind the sofa or cleaned inside the kitchen cupboards? No-one else will. Not that I have ever got round to cleaning inside the kitchen cupboards, it's just on my list.

Sometimes you just have to stop caring. Or at least learn to care a little less. Caring is a good thing, but caring too much can lead to stress. I know for a fact that I care too much about my job and about what other people think about my ability to do my job. I am trying to care a bit less. It doesn't mean that I'll put less effort in or do less work, it just means that I will try to put it into perspective. It is a job. It's a good job, and I want to do it well. I want to be proud of what I do. I want my colleagues to see me as knowledgeable and as a valued member of the company. However, at the end of the day I don't want to be making myself ill in order to do all of that. Again, I am trying to notice when parts of my project are causing me to stress and to ask myself 'what's the worst that could happen if I don't complete that on time/don't get that exactly right/leave that until next week/drop that completely/ask someone else to do that?'. More often than not, the consequence, in the grand scheme of things, is not worth me ruining my health. If there is a really good reason to make sure we get something done, that gets prioritised.

I take a lot of pride in my work, but I am trying to remember that I can't do everything myself either. I need to rely on other people, and that's okay.

When all is said and done, none of my friends are going to think less of me if I my home isn't perfect when they come to stay. Being ill while they're here though just isn't fun. So I'll dust the TV stand (it's black so the dust shows terribly!), make sure the bathroom's clean and that the hallway is hoovered, but if we need to go out for dinner because I haven't had time to plan a meal, do the food shopping and then actually cook, so be it.

The start of a new journey

I turn thirty in a few weeks, and I can safely say that life so far hasn't turned out the way I expected it to. As a language student, I figured I'd end up moving abroad to work and live, maybe as a teacher or a translator/interpreter.

What actually happened is that I fell in love shortly before graduating and after spending one year in Austria (which was already planned), I came back to the UK to settle. I don't regret it for one second -  next year I will be marrying that guy I fell in love with nearly eight years ago! For over four years I've been working as a systems analyst at a software company, which is definitely not what I thought I'd do. I work with loads of amazing people, but it's a very stressful atmosphere and I put a lot of pressure on myself. Add to that the fact that we bought a house almost a year ago and have more responsibility to deal with (though I do love that we're in our own place), and that we're planning a wedding... well, my brain is in overdrive.

After suffering from stomach aches and nausea for several months, I was recently diagnosed with probably IBS. I have some medication for bad times, however I'm trying to alleviate it naturally as much as possible - by changing my diet and relieving stress.

So far all I can say is that it seems it's going to be slow progress. I'm trying to cut out gluten and other FODMAP foods, but it's not easy and I'm not even sure that those foods are the problem. This is going to be a long ride...