Wedding Nerves

Why is life so difficult? Every time I think I've conquered something, some sort of occurrence just proves I haven't. Or at least provides something new to be conquered.

I thought I had sussed out my awful stomach aches, yet twice within the last week I've had a grumbly tummy without having eating any gluten. Last weekend we had friends over for board games and I drank wine, ate crisps and chocolate, and had a takeaway (I realise how bad that sounds, and maybe it's no wonder I had stomach ache). I didn't eat any gluten, yet when I went to bed I felt like I had food poisoning. I did not sleep well at all! I got up early and went to sleep on the sofa for a bit which helped, but my stomach still wasn't good. I genuinely think I just went a bit overboard - I mean, that list of 'goodies' above is probably enough to make anyone feel ill. I certainly wouldn't rule out food poisoning either. Due to lack of sleep and feeling bad, I cancelled the kettle bells class I had signed up for, and I still feel it was the best decision. I actually did have quite a nice day once my stomach more or less settled - I did some gardening for the first time in months, made jam, and planted some seeds in the kitchen.

The other time I felt bad was last night. We went out for dinner (reoccurring theme here, eating food I haven't cooked myself...) with a big bunch of friends to Pizza Express, and a good time was had. I had told myself I would have a gluten free pizza and water, and that would be it. This was partly because after the above mentioned games night, I figured I would give up alcohol until our wedding (only another three weeks!). I failed already though. To be fair, I only had one glass of wine, not a heavy night or anything. I just completely lacked any willpower to refuse when everyone else was ordering wine or beer. Driving would have prevented me from drinking, but it was so closed it seemed silly... Anyway, my gluten free pizza was tiny, so I ended up having a brownie for dessert (gluten free). It was really good, and I enjoyed it and didn't in any way regret eating it, but I did have stomach ache later. Luckily it wasn't too bad, the emergency Buscopan saved me and my sleep wasn't too disrupted.

I am starting to think that wine is a large part of the problem, and frankly, that sucks. Going to have to rethink my drinking.

Wedding nerves are starting to kick in. Not about actually getting married or anything, I'm very, very happy about that bit. I'm just nervous about whether people will have a good time, whether I will look okay in my dress, whether the things I've made will look good enough and not like a five-year-old has done them... the list goes on. I went to pick up my dress today and tried it on, and needed help doing it up! It did up, but only just. It's not actually uncomfortable, but if I try to eat anything with it on it might explode. The next three weeks have to be über healthy for me, and given the tales of my lack of willpower above, it's going to be hard work. I have been pretty good today, so we'll see how long it lasts. I also picked up our wedding rings, and had doubts about mine. It's a gorgeous ring, I really do love it. The problem is that my engagement ring is a funny shape - the metal kind of twists around the diamond - so it's a bit curvy. My wedding ring has a slight curve, so it doesn't look totally weird next to my engagement ring, but I didn't want a wedding ring that fitted round the engagement ring, as I want to be able to wear the wedding ring on its own. However, that means that the two rings don't fit together smoothly and I put them on and wasn't sure I liked how they looked. I think I've decided I do actually really like them like that, but it's one of those stupid things that just bugged me. Don't even get me started on how my arms look in proportion to the rest of me in my wedding dress... I haven't really been stressed about the wedding at all, but now that it's actually almost here I am starting to panic a bit. Still, as long as we get married, I'm sure it'll all be fine.

To end the post on a positive note, one thing I am really happy about is that spring is finally showing itself, meaning I can garden again. Gardening is my therapy, and my garden is my joy. Eventually it will be my pride too, but we're working on that - there's a long way to go! Even just weeding for a couple of hours makes me feel so much better. I love being out in the fresh air, making things look pretty, being in nature. It does absolute wonders for the mind, and probably for the body too. The weather has been beautiful today, so fingers crossed we get plenty more like it. I made my other half help me measure the garden yesterday so I can start to actually plan it a bit more. I want to put a vegetable bed in this year and start growing some crops, then if it works, put in a couple more beds next year. My dream is to have a potting shed... I feel so middle aged already!

Life Update

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. Time just seems to be flying by. It's less than seven weeks until I get married now. Luckily, I am just feeling very excited about it and not really stressed at all. Mostly I'm just looking forward to having all my favourite people in one place. I dreamt the other night that I'd turned up at the ceremony in my dress but didn't have my shoes, we hadn't collected the rings and we hadn't sorted out any music - and my reaction was, 'oh well, let's just get married anyway'. I really hope that's how I end up feeling in real life, as I'm sure some things won't go to plan!

Right now, I feel so much better and I think I'm in a good place. Don't get me wrong, work is still stressful and I woke up this morning thinking of the huge number of things I need to do at work tomorrow. However, I think I've managed to push those out of my brain more or less for the moment, and I will deal with them when I get to the office tomorrow morning. Stomach-wise, cutting out gluten really seems to have done the job. I initially tried to give up a load of high FODMAP foods, which was too difficult and too big a jump, and back in September I was mostly eating plain carbs, as I couldn't face much fruit and veg. Since deciding to give up gluten and forget about everything else for a while, my diet has stabilised somewhat and it's some time since I've had bad abdominal pains. I still sometimes take medication if my stomach feels a bit troubled, or sometimes on a Sunday night/Monday morning when my return-to-work stress levels are a bit high, but other than that it's doing so well. I cannot explain the relief I feel.

I'm sure part of being in a good place is due to my other half no longer being at work. My emotional wellbeing is able to start recovering, as I worry about my other half much less, and as he is less sad, it is taking far less of a toll on me. He is definitely going to have to get around to finding a new job at some point, as we will get to the point where we need the money really, but for now I'm so glad he's having some time off.

Given my love of baking, I'm in the market for some good gluten free recipes now. Luckily there are loads on the internet, and I have tried out the Doves Farm Christmas cake recipe as I wanted a gluten free tier for our wedding cake (yes, I am making it myself - see sentence professing my love of baking). I had to try it out and take it to work before making the actual wedding cake tier, and I'm pleased to say it was really nice. I was really impressed with it - it's not the same as my usual rich fruit cake that I make for Christmas, but it is a solid fruit cake. It actually reminds me a bit more of Simnel cake rather than Christmas cake, but as I love Simnel cake that's definitely not a bad thing anyway.

I do need to shift my eating habits a little closer to the healthy end - I'm still eating a few too many treats - however in general, it has got back to normal a lot faster than it did after Christmas last year! I'm slowly gaining new/regaining old habits. I have got back to eating porridge for breakfast rather than cereal, which for me is good as the gluten free cereal I can get either has added sugar or a lot of dried fruit. By eating porridge I can focus more on protein, and add some fresh fruit. I've also managed to get into the habit of flossing every night, which is a big improvement. In addition to that, I've got back into the habit of exercising regularly. Now that I'm paying for a gym membership, it kind of makes me go! I've been swimming three times this week, and to a kettle bells class (followed by a very quick swim to stretch off). I'm also trying to do some arm exercises at home with my dumbbells - hoping to tone up a bit in time to wear my strapless wedding dress!

Anyway, although I haven't managed to do an assessment each day for January as I'd planned, it has turned out to be a good, productive month, and in all honesty I think it has been very much an assessment. Maybe things moved faster than planned, but that's no bad thing.

February is going to be a month for progress. I'm hoping to continue progressing my return to healthy eating, the exercise I'm doing (not so much doing more exercise and progressing my fitness), our wedding preparations, and my other half's situation. I don't have a goal for him, such as finding a new job, I just want him to be in a better place. That might mean finding a job, it might just mean preparing himself to look. Either way, as long as we make some progress, I'm happy.

Making a big change

Last week (as usual) ended up being a complete mixed bag, which resulted in a decision to make a big change.

I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.

On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.

My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.

I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.

It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.

I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.

In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.

It's going to be a hell of a week.

Christmas Hols

Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.

Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!

I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:

That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.

In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).

Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!

A hard week

It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.

I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.

One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.

Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.

What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.

A mixed bag

This week, as the blog post title suggests, has been somewhat mixed in terms of how I've been feeling. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty awful pain and nausea wise. I kind of expected it first thing on Tuesday as it was the return to work, but I didn't expect it to continue. Wednesday was more or less the same. I think I was stressed - we had lots to do, and there were so many things I had to sort out - but it wasn't anywhere near the same levels as it had been before. I think the turning point for me was Wednesday evening. I tried to stop thinking about work. It's not exactly a novel approach, but usually when I'm stressed about work I try to organise my thoughts. On Wednesday evening I tried to just switch them off. I was busy that evening - we went to the sorting office to collect a parcel, did some food shopping, and stopped at Homebase for some sealant (ah, exciting times!), then made my Christmas cake. However, we'd also decided we should do something, and decided on watching a DVD. Instead of choosing something off our shelves, my other half gave me an early birthday present which was The Lego Movie on DVD. Sitting and actually concentrating on a film (rather than half watching TV whilst messing around on my laptop) really felt like a break. Also, the film is awesome!

Yesterday was my birthday, and despite being at work was a nice day. I felt less ill in the morning, I think due to relaxing more the evening before, and managed to eat more breakfast (the previous two days I managed half a bread roll each day). I was really lucky and felt very loved, as lots of people wished me happy birthday, and I was given cards, and some lovely friends at work brought in cakes which our entire room really appreciated! I also had lots of lovely cards and presents from friends and family, then went out for dinner with my other half which was delicious. We then settled down to watch some of season 1 of The Newsroom which is amazing - we've seen it before but are watching it again before starting season 3!

I think I must have really switched off, as this morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off which is very unusual. I'm normally awake ages before. In fairness, I think I did wake up earlier but I must have drifted back off to sleep. One of my birthday presents was a Fitbit Flex, which is a pedometer and also measures thinks like calories burned, allows you to enter exercise and food (which I probably won't use) but also monitors your sleep. Apparently I woke up once but was restless 22 times. I'm not sure how it measures it but I'm going to look into it further and hopefully it might help me improve my sleep.

It's very odd, going from feeling so awful and being really stressed to feeling much better and more relaxed. It's also most definitely a vicious circle, as the worse I feel the more stressed I feel, and the more stressed I feel the worse I feel. Similarly, the better I feel, the more relaxed I feel, and the more relaxed I feel the better I feel. I am definitely going to try to make more of my evenings so that by relaxing and switching off more, I hopefully continue in the good cycle and prevent myself from feeling ill so much. On that note, I'm off swimming!

Holiday downtime

The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.

Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.

I was quite calm at this point!

What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.

I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.

A little better

Today I feel a little better. The pain and nausea haven't been anywhere near as big a problem as they have been recently. I'm not really sure whether that's down to taking the medication, my swim, actually stressing less or because I only have one more day left at work before a week off (hooray!).

I woke up in the night and immediately started thinking about the work I had to do. Somehow, I managed to use the meditation techniques from the class last week and concentrate only on my breathing. It really helped me to relax and drift back to sleep, so I'll definitely be putting that into practice more often. The things I was worrying about weren't even things I desperately had to do today, though I do need to do them tomorrow!

Work is crazy busy. I sit down to work on something and my phone rings, I get called away to help other people, I get interrupted by people asking questions... it goes on. I really don't mind helping other people - it's good to share knowledge - but it makes it difficult to get on with my own work at times. I'm going to try to get there slightly early tomorrow so that I can plan my day properly before work really begins. That should hopefully set me in good stead for the rest of the day. Fingers crossed.

Planning is just essential for me if I want to avoid stress, or at least reduce it. It isn't easy, and even if I do manage to form a good plan, it's likely that it won't run as I intend it to. Somehow it's just a case of prioritising as much as possible and, if completely necessary, asking people to get help elsewhere.

I feel more positive though. We will get there.

A down day

Today I have a day off and I should, in theory, feel relaxed and be enjoying the free time (and the break from work). I am enjoying the free time, but I definitely don't feel relaxed.

We spend the weekend with my other half's brother, which included a trip to Wembley yesterday for the NFL game. It was a great game and I really enjoyed it, and I think I even managed to switch off a little. Somehow, though, I just haven't been able to relax at all. This morning we drove back home and I just kept thinking of all of the things I need to do - it wasn't even work that was on my mind. I was feeling tired, which never helps, and I just kept thinking of things I would need to do - washing, food shopping, renewing the car insurance, sorting some more wedding things... The list goes on. I should really do some singing practice as well. My other half is ill, so he's not up to much and I'm trying to look after him, and I seem to have a dodgy tummy.

Anyway, somehow one load of washing has been done, another one is in, there's now enough food in the fridge to last us a few days and I've renewed the car insurance. Wedding stuff is just going to have to wait though. I have choir practice this evening anyway, so I'll go to that, then try to do some practice one evening this week. What I'm saying is that everything that needs doing this afternoon is done, and I'm therefore having a rest. Yes, I have lots of other things to do, but they can wait. I'm trying to make peace with this and accept that not doing these things this afternoon isn't a problem, it won't make anything any worse. Today is a holiday day, so I am going to relax and do something I want to do, not something I think I should do.

I still don't know what's causing my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm almost certain that a large part of it is stress, but I don't think it's the full story. In general I've been trying to cut out gluten and other high FODMAP foods, however as we were away at the weekend I just ate whatever I felt like eating, so it's possibly (probably) just that. I do have some medication I can take if the pain/sickness get too bad, but I don't want to take it too much. My doctor told me that a lot of people take it every day as a matter of course, however if I can remove the cause I'd prefer to do that. What this means is that I'm going to have to experiment for a while. In any case, it's back to low FODMAP if possible for a while to see whether it does make a difference. I still need to do further research to fully understand what I 'should' and 'shouldn't' be eating, however this Wikipedia article explains what FODMAPs are and is a good starting point.