Wedding Nerves

Why is life so difficult? Every time I think I've conquered something, some sort of occurrence just proves I haven't. Or at least provides something new to be conquered.

I thought I had sussed out my awful stomach aches, yet twice within the last week I've had a grumbly tummy without having eating any gluten. Last weekend we had friends over for board games and I drank wine, ate crisps and chocolate, and had a takeaway (I realise how bad that sounds, and maybe it's no wonder I had stomach ache). I didn't eat any gluten, yet when I went to bed I felt like I had food poisoning. I did not sleep well at all! I got up early and went to sleep on the sofa for a bit which helped, but my stomach still wasn't good. I genuinely think I just went a bit overboard - I mean, that list of 'goodies' above is probably enough to make anyone feel ill. I certainly wouldn't rule out food poisoning either. Due to lack of sleep and feeling bad, I cancelled the kettle bells class I had signed up for, and I still feel it was the best decision. I actually did have quite a nice day once my stomach more or less settled - I did some gardening for the first time in months, made jam, and planted some seeds in the kitchen.

The other time I felt bad was last night. We went out for dinner (reoccurring theme here, eating food I haven't cooked myself...) with a big bunch of friends to Pizza Express, and a good time was had. I had told myself I would have a gluten free pizza and water, and that would be it. This was partly because after the above mentioned games night, I figured I would give up alcohol until our wedding (only another three weeks!). I failed already though. To be fair, I only had one glass of wine, not a heavy night or anything. I just completely lacked any willpower to refuse when everyone else was ordering wine or beer. Driving would have prevented me from drinking, but it was so closed it seemed silly... Anyway, my gluten free pizza was tiny, so I ended up having a brownie for dessert (gluten free). It was really good, and I enjoyed it and didn't in any way regret eating it, but I did have stomach ache later. Luckily it wasn't too bad, the emergency Buscopan saved me and my sleep wasn't too disrupted.

I am starting to think that wine is a large part of the problem, and frankly, that sucks. Going to have to rethink my drinking.

Wedding nerves are starting to kick in. Not about actually getting married or anything, I'm very, very happy about that bit. I'm just nervous about whether people will have a good time, whether I will look okay in my dress, whether the things I've made will look good enough and not like a five-year-old has done them... the list goes on. I went to pick up my dress today and tried it on, and needed help doing it up! It did up, but only just. It's not actually uncomfortable, but if I try to eat anything with it on it might explode. The next three weeks have to be über healthy for me, and given the tales of my lack of willpower above, it's going to be hard work. I have been pretty good today, so we'll see how long it lasts. I also picked up our wedding rings, and had doubts about mine. It's a gorgeous ring, I really do love it. The problem is that my engagement ring is a funny shape - the metal kind of twists around the diamond - so it's a bit curvy. My wedding ring has a slight curve, so it doesn't look totally weird next to my engagement ring, but I didn't want a wedding ring that fitted round the engagement ring, as I want to be able to wear the wedding ring on its own. However, that means that the two rings don't fit together smoothly and I put them on and wasn't sure I liked how they looked. I think I've decided I do actually really like them like that, but it's one of those stupid things that just bugged me. Don't even get me started on how my arms look in proportion to the rest of me in my wedding dress... I haven't really been stressed about the wedding at all, but now that it's actually almost here I am starting to panic a bit. Still, as long as we get married, I'm sure it'll all be fine.

To end the post on a positive note, one thing I am really happy about is that spring is finally showing itself, meaning I can garden again. Gardening is my therapy, and my garden is my joy. Eventually it will be my pride too, but we're working on that - there's a long way to go! Even just weeding for a couple of hours makes me feel so much better. I love being out in the fresh air, making things look pretty, being in nature. It does absolute wonders for the mind, and probably for the body too. The weather has been beautiful today, so fingers crossed we get plenty more like it. I made my other half help me measure the garden yesterday so I can start to actually plan it a bit more. I want to put a vegetable bed in this year and start growing some crops, then if it works, put in a couple more beds next year. My dream is to have a potting shed... I feel so middle aged already!

Life Update

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. Time just seems to be flying by. It's less than seven weeks until I get married now. Luckily, I am just feeling very excited about it and not really stressed at all. Mostly I'm just looking forward to having all my favourite people in one place. I dreamt the other night that I'd turned up at the ceremony in my dress but didn't have my shoes, we hadn't collected the rings and we hadn't sorted out any music - and my reaction was, 'oh well, let's just get married anyway'. I really hope that's how I end up feeling in real life, as I'm sure some things won't go to plan!

Right now, I feel so much better and I think I'm in a good place. Don't get me wrong, work is still stressful and I woke up this morning thinking of the huge number of things I need to do at work tomorrow. However, I think I've managed to push those out of my brain more or less for the moment, and I will deal with them when I get to the office tomorrow morning. Stomach-wise, cutting out gluten really seems to have done the job. I initially tried to give up a load of high FODMAP foods, which was too difficult and too big a jump, and back in September I was mostly eating plain carbs, as I couldn't face much fruit and veg. Since deciding to give up gluten and forget about everything else for a while, my diet has stabilised somewhat and it's some time since I've had bad abdominal pains. I still sometimes take medication if my stomach feels a bit troubled, or sometimes on a Sunday night/Monday morning when my return-to-work stress levels are a bit high, but other than that it's doing so well. I cannot explain the relief I feel.

I'm sure part of being in a good place is due to my other half no longer being at work. My emotional wellbeing is able to start recovering, as I worry about my other half much less, and as he is less sad, it is taking far less of a toll on me. He is definitely going to have to get around to finding a new job at some point, as we will get to the point where we need the money really, but for now I'm so glad he's having some time off.

Given my love of baking, I'm in the market for some good gluten free recipes now. Luckily there are loads on the internet, and I have tried out the Doves Farm Christmas cake recipe as I wanted a gluten free tier for our wedding cake (yes, I am making it myself - see sentence professing my love of baking). I had to try it out and take it to work before making the actual wedding cake tier, and I'm pleased to say it was really nice. I was really impressed with it - it's not the same as my usual rich fruit cake that I make for Christmas, but it is a solid fruit cake. It actually reminds me a bit more of Simnel cake rather than Christmas cake, but as I love Simnel cake that's definitely not a bad thing anyway.

I do need to shift my eating habits a little closer to the healthy end - I'm still eating a few too many treats - however in general, it has got back to normal a lot faster than it did after Christmas last year! I'm slowly gaining new/regaining old habits. I have got back to eating porridge for breakfast rather than cereal, which for me is good as the gluten free cereal I can get either has added sugar or a lot of dried fruit. By eating porridge I can focus more on protein, and add some fresh fruit. I've also managed to get into the habit of flossing every night, which is a big improvement. In addition to that, I've got back into the habit of exercising regularly. Now that I'm paying for a gym membership, it kind of makes me go! I've been swimming three times this week, and to a kettle bells class (followed by a very quick swim to stretch off). I'm also trying to do some arm exercises at home with my dumbbells - hoping to tone up a bit in time to wear my strapless wedding dress!

Anyway, although I haven't managed to do an assessment each day for January as I'd planned, it has turned out to be a good, productive month, and in all honesty I think it has been very much an assessment. Maybe things moved faster than planned, but that's no bad thing.

February is going to be a month for progress. I'm hoping to continue progressing my return to healthy eating, the exercise I'm doing (not so much doing more exercise and progressing my fitness), our wedding preparations, and my other half's situation. I don't have a goal for him, such as finding a new job, I just want him to be in a better place. That might mean finding a job, it might just mean preparing himself to look. Either way, as long as we make some progress, I'm happy.

He did it!

He did it! My wonderful other half handed in his notice on Monday, and as he didn't need to work his notice, left immediately. It was definitely the right decision. It was no longer the right place or job for him. He seems a lot less sad, although I can tell that he's now worrying about other things - whether he'll find a new job, money, sorting things out (he needs a new phone as his previous one was provided by work), and he feels guilty that I'm out working when he's at home. Personally, I am happier now that he has left his job. I am happy that he is out of there and not worrying and stressing about work anymore. It is much better for him. If necessary, I would carry on how things are at the moment for quite a while. As much as I'd love to be a housewife, as things stand, I'd be happy for him to be a househusband! I think he will get fed up of being at home after a while, and he will definitely worry about the money - so I think a new job will be on the cards soon. That's fine by me as well, as the extra money wouldn't hurt, especially since we love going on holiday!

The other benefit that this change has had is that I talk about work less at home, and I'm therefore able to switch off more easily. I don't want to talk about it in front of him really, as I don't want to make him feel down or guilty, and it does mean that I think about it less myself as a result. That is definitely a good thing, as it's very very busy and a bit stressful at the moment. I don't feel too bad though...

I hadn't really been doing too much of my own thing recently, as I'd been trying to be in to be with my other half and make him feel better, but I've managed to do more this week. I went to my choir practice on Monday, and managed a swim on Tuesday evening and this evening, and plan to go to a friend's for wine tomorrow. It's nice getting used to a new normal.

Making a big change

Last week (as usual) ended up being a complete mixed bag, which resulted in a decision to make a big change.

I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.

On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.

My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.

I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.

It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.

I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.

In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.

It's going to be a hell of a week.

Back to work

Sunday was definitely not a good day for my lovely other half. He was depressed and feeling very low. When I suggested going to the doctors, he didn't protest at all. It was so hard to see him like that. I am doing my best to keep floating, but it's very difficult at times. I was finding it tough to stay positive myself, so I felt like my other half's sadness just pushed me back under. However, I have been okay. I dragged my other half out for a walk and some fresh air, which I think helped a little, as he was okay enough for me to take a little time out to go swimming. That really helped me and relaxed me a bit.

Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.

Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Christmas Hols

Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.

Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!

I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:

That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.

In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).

Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!

A hard week

It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.

I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.

One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.

Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.

What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.

Sunday Night Blues

Weekends always seem to fly by far too quickly. Somehow before you know it, it's Sunday evening again! To be honest, work days go pretty fast as well, but weekends especially just disappear. I also usually seem to have plans, and so being busy does make the time just slip right by before your eyes.

When weekends go so fast and you don't want to go back to work (whether that's because you hate it or just because free time is so much more enjoyable), Sunday night blues can be a common occurrence. In reality, for me at least, work is rarely as bad as my anticipation and anxiety fears, so the Sunday night blues really aren't justified. However, they still put in an appearance, so the aim of the game is to banish them as far as possible.

The best way I have found to achieve this is to do something. That means a little planning is required, so that there's no sitting around and not deciding what to do. For us, our plan in the autumn/winter is NFL. We usually settle down to watch NFL for the evening, have some snack food that feels a little like a treat, and spend time together. Whilst we are 'just' watching TV, which is something I wouldn't necessarily recommend for taking your mind off work, we're watching something that we can become emotionally invested in. Not least because we both have fantasy teams so we keep an eye on those.

Other suggestions would be watching a DVD (and concentrating, not doing something else at the same time), playing a board game, going to the cinema, having friends round for games and nibbles, working on a craft project... basically doing something that you concentrate on completely, and that is enjoyable. That way, there's no room left for the Sunday night blues and hopefully you'll be in a good mood as you've been doing something fun. Furthermore, it hopefully results in being nicely relaxed, leading to a good night's sleep and therefore a fresh and positive start to the week. At the very least, it's something to aspire to and work towards!

A mixed bag

This week, as the blog post title suggests, has been somewhat mixed in terms of how I've been feeling. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty awful pain and nausea wise. I kind of expected it first thing on Tuesday as it was the return to work, but I didn't expect it to continue. Wednesday was more or less the same. I think I was stressed - we had lots to do, and there were so many things I had to sort out - but it wasn't anywhere near the same levels as it had been before. I think the turning point for me was Wednesday evening. I tried to stop thinking about work. It's not exactly a novel approach, but usually when I'm stressed about work I try to organise my thoughts. On Wednesday evening I tried to just switch them off. I was busy that evening - we went to the sorting office to collect a parcel, did some food shopping, and stopped at Homebase for some sealant (ah, exciting times!), then made my Christmas cake. However, we'd also decided we should do something, and decided on watching a DVD. Instead of choosing something off our shelves, my other half gave me an early birthday present which was The Lego Movie on DVD. Sitting and actually concentrating on a film (rather than half watching TV whilst messing around on my laptop) really felt like a break. Also, the film is awesome!

Yesterday was my birthday, and despite being at work was a nice day. I felt less ill in the morning, I think due to relaxing more the evening before, and managed to eat more breakfast (the previous two days I managed half a bread roll each day). I was really lucky and felt very loved, as lots of people wished me happy birthday, and I was given cards, and some lovely friends at work brought in cakes which our entire room really appreciated! I also had lots of lovely cards and presents from friends and family, then went out for dinner with my other half which was delicious. We then settled down to watch some of season 1 of The Newsroom which is amazing - we've seen it before but are watching it again before starting season 3!

I think I must have really switched off, as this morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off which is very unusual. I'm normally awake ages before. In fairness, I think I did wake up earlier but I must have drifted back off to sleep. One of my birthday presents was a Fitbit Flex, which is a pedometer and also measures thinks like calories burned, allows you to enter exercise and food (which I probably won't use) but also monitors your sleep. Apparently I woke up once but was restless 22 times. I'm not sure how it measures it but I'm going to look into it further and hopefully it might help me improve my sleep.

It's very odd, going from feeling so awful and being really stressed to feeling much better and more relaxed. It's also most definitely a vicious circle, as the worse I feel the more stressed I feel, and the more stressed I feel the worse I feel. Similarly, the better I feel, the more relaxed I feel, and the more relaxed I feel the better I feel. I am definitely going to try to make more of my evenings so that by relaxing and switching off more, I hopefully continue in the good cycle and prevent myself from feeling ill so much. On that note, I'm off swimming!

Back to reality

Our wonderful break is almost over - we arrived back home today. This afternoon has been spent getting stuff done - unpacking, washing, food shopping, student loan calls (don't ask)... Yesterday and this morning I was feeling pretty down. I think it's an end-of-holiday feeling. My parents always used to call it 'school-itis' at the end of the school holidays! I just don't want to go back, and yet I know that once I'm there it will probably be fine, albeit busy.

On the plus side, I do feel a bit better now. Starting like I mean to go on, I went swimming this afternoon and managed a whole kilometre, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, not to mention feeling good due to the exercise itself as well. Once I'd showered and dressed I wandered past a mirror, and I just looked so healthy - relatively clear skin, a good colour from doing some exercise, hair that actually looks pretty decent right now, and a generally okay body. In a weird way, it felt good to feel good about all of that, having had issues with pretty much all of those things! I suffered from acne when I was younger and it didn't really get much better until my early twenties, I'm very pale, etc etc. If nothing else, I am learning to accept and appreciate my body. Now I just need to learn to appreciate my mind a bit too!

Feeling down and sad is horrible. I don't know how to describe it, other than like being at the bottom of a pit that you don't know how to climb out of. I'm lucky, in that my spells like that don't usually last more than a day or two. It has been worse recently, but never completely horrendous. However, I do have second hand experience of what it's like when it does go on longer, and it's awful. It really scares me that given how stressed and down I do sometimes feel, I could potentially slide downwards and feel like I will never be able to get out of it. The feelings definitely do relate to work, but I'm not sure that they're specific to my job - I think they stem more from my lack of confidence, my tendency to worry about everything, and my inability to detach work and home life. I'm going to work on all three, but concentrate on trying to restore my confidence for the moment. One of the first things I'm going to do is spend time with my best friends. I definitely don't plan to moan to them or sit with a negative attitude, but more to pick their brains to find out what they think I'm good at, what they think I'm suited to doing and how they'd recommend improving my confidence. As they know me best, hopefully it's a good place to start!

Any chance of a weekend off?

My weekends seem to be constantly filled with things. It's amazing being busy and seeing friends, but it also leaves me wondering when I'm going to get things done - for example making the Christmas cake, doing Christmas shopping, cleaning the house - not to mention all of the boring chores that just need doing. It would also be nice to spend some quality time with my other half (although we've done quite well with that this week).

Sometimes, though, it's worth being busy. I'm currently making potential plans go to London to visit a friend who will be over from the States. She is suffering from depression at the moment, and has jumped at the chance to stay in a friend's flat in London for a while and cat-sit, which is brilliant. A few of us are trying to get there to visit as well, hopefully to help her start to feel better, but at the very least so that she knows we are there for her. Part of me is thinking that I don't really have the time or the money to do this, but I think her need is greater. It will just mean that I need to be very good at planning, and strategically use the couple of days that I can still take off work so that I can do things like Christmas shopping during that time.

I will definitely have to be careful if I'm going to do this. Knowing that there are a lot of things that I need/want to get done, there is a good chance that I will end up stressing a lot about when I'm going to be able to do them. If/when I book my train tickets, I am going to have to make a solid plan and ensure that I stick to it. It's not going to be easy. However, sometimes our own problems need to be set aside for a time so that all of our care and attention can be focussed on someone that really needs it.

Holiday downtime

The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.

Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.

I was quite calm at this point!

What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.

I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.

What a difference a day makes

I had wondered how I would feel today. I'm on annual leave, but that doesn't usually stop me worrying about work - normally I worry about whether I've done a good enough job that other people can pick up where I left off, and whether I've handed everything over, whether I've done my work thoroughly enough... the list goes on.

As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.

Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.

I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.

Letting go

It's the weekend! Hooray! I'm definitely starting to feel better. I took my hot water bottle to work yesterday and today and didn't use it once. I've continued to take the Buscopan, and probably will do so at least tomorrow and maybe the next couple of days. I find it hard to switch off, and I can definitely see myself stressing about work next week whilst I'm off. As well as not switching off well, I find it hard to let go of my work. I had a really productive day today - basically because we had to! I had to make sure everything was handed over, and I think we got there. Now I'm just hoping that the next part of the project happening next week goes well. Even though I've passed it on, I still worry about it as it was my work and I will always fret about whether I've done everything I needed to, and whether I've done it properly. I need to remember that it's now with someone else, and that that person is very competent, and that if I've missed something she will pick it up, the same way I would if our roles were reversed. For next week at least, it's not mine to worry about.

It's difficult. Letting go of something that you've invested yourself in is not easy. It's hard not to dwell on things. When you've spent a lot time and effort on something, you want to see it through, make sure it's done properly and in a way, gain closure by completing it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, and neither does my job. It's therefore incredibly important that I find some way of letting go.

There must be ways of learning to let go of things. I intend to try the following:

• reminding myself that my colleagues are amazing, so the project is in good hands
• lots of fresh air and exercise, time with family and activities so that I forget about work completely
• breathing techniques if I do start thinking about work - concentrating on breathing in and out, and pushing work thoughts out of my mind
• trusting people - it fits with the first point really - reminding myself that it won't fall apart without me
• if I do end up stressing, putting things into perspective and thinking 'what's the worst that could happen?'. You know what? It's not that bad.

Aside from all of that, I intend to focus on the positive things - a week off, seeing my wonderful family, spending time with my amazing other half, doing fun things, hopefully playing board games, eating out... So whilst enjoying my week off, I hope to learn better how to let go. After all, I don't actually need more responsibility at work - I have enough of that already - so I'm going to try to see letting go of bits of work as a blessing.

And relax...

For better or worse?

After feeling rubbish yesterday, I decided to be a good girl and take the tablets the doctor recommended. I still didn't feel great for some of the morning, but it has definitely been better today in general. Whilst I don't want to rely on the medication, at least I know I can get some relief from the pain and nausea. So hooray!

I still haven't got anywhere with work, but I'm feeling a little better about it. We at least have a plan. I also had a one on one meeting today with a guy who comes and works with our company to help us improve - both as a company and as individuals. He's really good and has a lot of excellent advice on how to be more positive and achieve more. Anyway, he'd spoken to some of my colleagues before meeting with me and they had some really great things to say. That definitely gave me a bit of a boost.

In even more positive news, I actually made myself go swimming this evening. It wasn't a long swim, but it was enjoyable. I find that doing enough exercise to get out of breath does me good, and makes me feel much better mentally (and hopefully has a good impact physically as well!). I only recently started swimming again and I love it - I love doing exercise without getting sweaty!

This evening I feel much better. I still felt pretty stressed at the end of work, so I'm mostly putting it down to swimming and to my wonderful other half, who somehow always knows how to make me feel better. Even just a hug from him improves my mood immensely. I also think the Buscopan is helping - I just want to make sure I get to a point where I don't have to take them every day.

I feel incredibly tired and worn down, and in desperate need of a holiday. What I could really do with is a month off, but given that I can't have that, a week and a day will have to do. Only 48 hours to go until that's a reality, and in the meantime I'll try to relax a bit more whilst I'm having a break from the pain. Hooray!

A down day

Today I have a day off and I should, in theory, feel relaxed and be enjoying the free time (and the break from work). I am enjoying the free time, but I definitely don't feel relaxed.

We spend the weekend with my other half's brother, which included a trip to Wembley yesterday for the NFL game. It was a great game and I really enjoyed it, and I think I even managed to switch off a little. Somehow, though, I just haven't been able to relax at all. This morning we drove back home and I just kept thinking of all of the things I need to do - it wasn't even work that was on my mind. I was feeling tired, which never helps, and I just kept thinking of things I would need to do - washing, food shopping, renewing the car insurance, sorting some more wedding things... The list goes on. I should really do some singing practice as well. My other half is ill, so he's not up to much and I'm trying to look after him, and I seem to have a dodgy tummy.

Anyway, somehow one load of washing has been done, another one is in, there's now enough food in the fridge to last us a few days and I've renewed the car insurance. Wedding stuff is just going to have to wait though. I have choir practice this evening anyway, so I'll go to that, then try to do some practice one evening this week. What I'm saying is that everything that needs doing this afternoon is done, and I'm therefore having a rest. Yes, I have lots of other things to do, but they can wait. I'm trying to make peace with this and accept that not doing these things this afternoon isn't a problem, it won't make anything any worse. Today is a holiday day, so I am going to relax and do something I want to do, not something I think I should do.

I still don't know what's causing my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm almost certain that a large part of it is stress, but I don't think it's the full story. In general I've been trying to cut out gluten and other high FODMAP foods, however as we were away at the weekend I just ate whatever I felt like eating, so it's possibly (probably) just that. I do have some medication I can take if the pain/sickness get too bad, but I don't want to take it too much. My doctor told me that a lot of people take it every day as a matter of course, however if I can remove the cause I'd prefer to do that. What this means is that I'm going to have to experiment for a while. In any case, it's back to low FODMAP if possible for a while to see whether it does make a difference. I still need to do further research to fully understand what I 'should' and 'shouldn't' be eating, however this Wikipedia article explains what FODMAPs are and is a good starting point.

Meditation

I went to my first meditation class on Thursday this week. The hotel where we're having our wedding reception gave us a free, three-month gym membership and they offer a few classes, including a meditation class. Given how awful I've been feeling, I decided it couldn't hurt to go along and try it.

There were only about eight or nine of us there - the other people were really lovely, and since the teacher was a bit late the others welcomed me and gave me the lowdown whilst we were waiting. I was a bit worried that the class would be very new-agey, but my fear was completely unfounded. It was very relaxing and calming. We did some slow, gentle movements, then it was time for deep meditation. We could opt to sit on a chair or lie down - I opted for the chair as that's what most people  did and I had no idea what to expect! We were asked to close our eyes, completely relax our bodies then concentrate on our breathing. As is wont to happen, thoughts kept drifting into my mind, but every so often the teacher would calmly instruct us to push away any thoughts and concentrate on our breathing again. She had a very gentle voice, that wasn't at all disturbing. I think I nearly fell asleep about ten times during the half hour that we were in deep meditation!

It was definitely a little bit weird, but I think I'll go back next week. Aside from anything, I think it will be really good to continue learning to empty my mind and not think about things. I'm hoping that with practice, I'll be able to do it as and when I have a particularly stressful moment just to relieve the worst of it. It's hard to say how effective it is after just one session, but I did sleep well that night and I didn't have terrible stomach aches the day after. The lack of stomach aches could also be attributed to the fact that it was the end of the week though, and perhaps mentally I was winding down to the weekend. In any case, it seems to be an avenue worth pursuing and fingers crossed, it will have some results.

Weekend - time to switch off?

Work is over from the weekend and it's time to switch off. Theoretically, anyway. Usually at this point on a Friday I am going over all my 'to do' lists in my head and trying to organise myself, working out what I will be doing when and how I'm going to fit it all into the weekend.

Today I have actually taken some time out to not do that. There are a couple of reasons for this: firstly we have Monday off work, so I don't have to cram everything in to two days; and secondly, we're going to stay with my brother-in-law (to be) for the weekend, so I won't be at home to have to do all of the zillions of things on my never-ending 'to do' lists. Going away is definitely good for me, as it means I can't be doing house stuff and it distracts me from work stuff.

Unfortunately, we can't be away on holiday every weekend and so there are a lot of times when I am at home, busily cleaning, tidying, fixing, DIY-ing, gardening etc etc - the list goes on. I am slowly trying to accept that there will ALWAYS be things that need doing, and I will never have enough time to do them all - not if I actually want to have a life as well. So whilst this weekend I can switch off, the next time I have a weekend at home and I'm working through my list, I will be trying to prioritise and considering 'what's the worst that would happen if I don't do this?'. I bet most of the time the answer will be 'nothing'. I mean really, who actually cares whether I have hoovered behind the sofa or cleaned inside the kitchen cupboards? No-one else will. Not that I have ever got round to cleaning inside the kitchen cupboards, it's just on my list.

Sometimes you just have to stop caring. Or at least learn to care a little less. Caring is a good thing, but caring too much can lead to stress. I know for a fact that I care too much about my job and about what other people think about my ability to do my job. I am trying to care a bit less. It doesn't mean that I'll put less effort in or do less work, it just means that I will try to put it into perspective. It is a job. It's a good job, and I want to do it well. I want to be proud of what I do. I want my colleagues to see me as knowledgeable and as a valued member of the company. However, at the end of the day I don't want to be making myself ill in order to do all of that. Again, I am trying to notice when parts of my project are causing me to stress and to ask myself 'what's the worst that could happen if I don't complete that on time/don't get that exactly right/leave that until next week/drop that completely/ask someone else to do that?'. More often than not, the consequence, in the grand scheme of things, is not worth me ruining my health. If there is a really good reason to make sure we get something done, that gets prioritised.

I take a lot of pride in my work, but I am trying to remember that I can't do everything myself either. I need to rely on other people, and that's okay.

When all is said and done, none of my friends are going to think less of me if I my home isn't perfect when they come to stay. Being ill while they're here though just isn't fun. So I'll dust the TV stand (it's black so the dust shows terribly!), make sure the bathroom's clean and that the hallway is hoovered, but if we need to go out for dinner because I haven't had time to plan a meal, do the food shopping and then actually cook, so be it.