I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. Time just seems to be flying by. It's less than seven weeks until I get married now. Luckily, I am just feeling very excited about it and not really stressed at all. Mostly I'm just looking forward to having all my favourite people in one place. I dreamt the other night that I'd turned up at the ceremony in my dress but didn't have my shoes, we hadn't collected the rings and we hadn't sorted out any music - and my reaction was, 'oh well, let's just get married anyway'. I really hope that's how I end up feeling in real life, as I'm sure some things won't go to plan!
Right now, I feel so much better and I think I'm in a good place. Don't get me wrong, work is still stressful and I woke up this morning thinking of the huge number of things I need to do at work tomorrow. However, I think I've managed to push those out of my brain more or less for the moment, and I will deal with them when I get to the office tomorrow morning. Stomach-wise, cutting out gluten really seems to have done the job. I initially tried to give up a load of high FODMAP foods, which was too difficult and too big a jump, and back in September I was mostly eating plain carbs, as I couldn't face much fruit and veg. Since deciding to give up gluten and forget about everything else for a while, my diet has stabilised somewhat and it's some time since I've had bad abdominal pains. I still sometimes take medication if my stomach feels a bit troubled, or sometimes on a Sunday night/Monday morning when my return-to-work stress levels are a bit high, but other than that it's doing so well. I cannot explain the relief I feel.
I'm sure part of being in a good place is due to my other half no longer being at work. My emotional wellbeing is able to start recovering, as I worry about my other half much less, and as he is less sad, it is taking far less of a toll on me. He is definitely going to have to get around to finding a new job at some point, as we will get to the point where we need the money really, but for now I'm so glad he's having some time off.
Given my love of baking, I'm in the market for some good gluten free recipes now. Luckily there are loads on the internet, and I have tried out the Doves Farm Christmas cake recipe as I wanted a gluten free tier for our wedding cake (yes, I am making it myself - see sentence professing my love of baking). I had to try it out and take it to work before making the actual wedding cake tier, and I'm pleased to say it was really nice. I was really impressed with it - it's not the same as my usual rich fruit cake that I make for Christmas, but it is a solid fruit cake. It actually reminds me a bit more of Simnel cake rather than Christmas cake, but as I love Simnel cake that's definitely not a bad thing anyway.
I do need to shift my eating habits a little closer to the healthy end - I'm still eating a few too many treats - however in general, it has got back to normal a lot faster than it did after Christmas last year! I'm slowly gaining new/regaining old habits. I have got back to eating porridge for breakfast rather than cereal, which for me is good as the gluten free cereal I can get either has added sugar or a lot of dried fruit. By eating porridge I can focus more on protein, and add some fresh fruit. I've also managed to get into the habit of flossing every night, which is a big improvement. In addition to that, I've got back into the habit of exercising regularly. Now that I'm paying for a gym membership, it kind of makes me go! I've been swimming three times this week, and to a kettle bells class (followed by a very quick swim to stretch off). I'm also trying to do some arm exercises at home with my dumbbells - hoping to tone up a bit in time to wear my strapless wedding dress!
Anyway, although I haven't managed to do an assessment each day for January as I'd planned, it has turned out to be a good, productive month, and in all honesty I think it has been very much an assessment. Maybe things moved faster than planned, but that's no bad thing.
February is going to be a month for progress. I'm hoping to continue progressing my return to healthy eating, the exercise I'm doing (not so much doing more exercise and progressing my fitness), our wedding preparations, and my other half's situation. I don't have a goal for him, such as finding a new job, I just want him to be in a better place. That might mean finding a job, it might just mean preparing himself to look. Either way, as long as we make some progress, I'm happy.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Sunday, 18 January 2015
Making a big change
Last week (as usual) ended up being a complete mixed bag, which resulted in a decision to make a big change.
I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.
On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.
My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.
I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.
It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.
I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.
In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.
It's going to be a hell of a week.
I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.
On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.
My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.
I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.
It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.
I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.
In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.
It's going to be a hell of a week.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Back to work
Sunday was definitely not a good day for my lovely other half. He was depressed and feeling very low. When I suggested going to the doctors, he didn't protest at all. It was so hard to see him like that. I am doing my best to keep floating, but it's very difficult at times. I was finding it tough to stay positive myself, so I felt like my other half's sadness just pushed me back under. However, I have been okay. I dragged my other half out for a walk and some fresh air, which I think helped a little, as he was okay enough for me to take a little time out to go swimming. That really helped me and relaxed me a bit.
Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Monday, 29 December 2014
Christmas Hols
Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.
Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!
I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:
That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.
In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).
Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!
Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!
I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:
That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.
In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).
Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!
Thursday, 27 November 2014
A hard week
It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.
I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.
One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.
Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.
What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.
I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.
One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.
Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.
What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.
Monday, 10 November 2014
Back to reality
Our wonderful break is almost over - we arrived back home today. This afternoon has been spent getting stuff done - unpacking, washing, food shopping, student loan calls (don't ask)... Yesterday and this morning I was feeling pretty down. I think it's an end-of-holiday feeling. My parents always used to call it 'school-itis' at the end of the school holidays! I just don't want to go back, and yet I know that once I'm there it will probably be fine, albeit busy.
On the plus side, I do feel a bit better now. Starting like I mean to go on, I went swimming this afternoon and managed a whole kilometre, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, not to mention feeling good due to the exercise itself as well. Once I'd showered and dressed I wandered past a mirror, and I just looked so healthy - relatively clear skin, a good colour from doing some exercise, hair that actually looks pretty decent right now, and a generally okay body. In a weird way, it felt good to feel good about all of that, having had issues with pretty much all of those things! I suffered from acne when I was younger and it didn't really get much better until my early twenties, I'm very pale, etc etc. If nothing else, I am learning to accept and appreciate my body. Now I just need to learn to appreciate my mind a bit too!
Feeling down and sad is horrible. I don't know how to describe it, other than like being at the bottom of a pit that you don't know how to climb out of. I'm lucky, in that my spells like that don't usually last more than a day or two. It has been worse recently, but never completely horrendous. However, I do have second hand experience of what it's like when it does go on longer, and it's awful. It really scares me that given how stressed and down I do sometimes feel, I could potentially slide downwards and feel like I will never be able to get out of it. The feelings definitely do relate to work, but I'm not sure that they're specific to my job - I think they stem more from my lack of confidence, my tendency to worry about everything, and my inability to detach work and home life. I'm going to work on all three, but concentrate on trying to restore my confidence for the moment. One of the first things I'm going to do is spend time with my best friends. I definitely don't plan to moan to them or sit with a negative attitude, but more to pick their brains to find out what they think I'm good at, what they think I'm suited to doing and how they'd recommend improving my confidence. As they know me best, hopefully it's a good place to start!
Thursday, 6 November 2014
Holiday downtime
The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.
Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.
What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.
I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.
Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.
I was quite calm at this point!
What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.
I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.
Monday, 3 November 2014
What a difference a day makes
I had wondered how I would feel today. I'm on annual leave, but that doesn't usually stop me worrying about work - normally I worry about whether I've done a good enough job that other people can pick up where I left off, and whether I've handed everything over, whether I've done my work thoroughly enough... the list goes on.
As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.
Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.
I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.
As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.
Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.
I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.
Friday, 31 October 2014
Letting go
It's the weekend! Hooray! I'm definitely starting to feel better. I took my hot water bottle to work yesterday and today and didn't use it once. I've continued to take the Buscopan, and probably will do so at least tomorrow and maybe the next couple of days. I find it hard to switch off, and I can definitely see myself stressing about work next week whilst I'm off. As well as not switching off well, I find it hard to let go of my work. I had a really productive day today - basically because we had to! I had to make sure everything was handed over, and I think we got there. Now I'm just hoping that the next part of the project happening next week goes well. Even though I've passed it on, I still worry about it as it was my work and I will always fret about whether I've done everything I needed to, and whether I've done it properly. I need to remember that it's now with someone else, and that that person is very competent, and that if I've missed something she will pick it up, the same way I would if our roles were reversed. For next week at least, it's not mine to worry about.
It's difficult. Letting go of something that you've invested yourself in is not easy. It's hard not to dwell on things. When you've spent a lot time and effort on something, you want to see it through, make sure it's done properly and in a way, gain closure by completing it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, and neither does my job. It's therefore incredibly important that I find some way of letting go.
There must be ways of learning to let go of things. I intend to try the following:
And relax...
It's difficult. Letting go of something that you've invested yourself in is not easy. It's hard not to dwell on things. When you've spent a lot time and effort on something, you want to see it through, make sure it's done properly and in a way, gain closure by completing it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, and neither does my job. It's therefore incredibly important that I find some way of letting go.
There must be ways of learning to let go of things. I intend to try the following:
- reminding myself that my colleagues are amazing, so the project is in good hands
- lots of fresh air and exercise, time with family and activities so that I forget about work completely
- breathing techniques if I do start thinking about work - concentrating on breathing in and out, and pushing work thoughts out of my mind
- trusting people - it fits with the first point really - reminding myself that it won't fall apart without me
- if I do end up stressing, putting things into perspective and thinking 'what's the worst that could happen?'. You know what? It's not that bad.
And relax...
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