Wedding Nerves

Why is life so difficult? Every time I think I've conquered something, some sort of occurrence just proves I haven't. Or at least provides something new to be conquered.

I thought I had sussed out my awful stomach aches, yet twice within the last week I've had a grumbly tummy without having eating any gluten. Last weekend we had friends over for board games and I drank wine, ate crisps and chocolate, and had a takeaway (I realise how bad that sounds, and maybe it's no wonder I had stomach ache). I didn't eat any gluten, yet when I went to bed I felt like I had food poisoning. I did not sleep well at all! I got up early and went to sleep on the sofa for a bit which helped, but my stomach still wasn't good. I genuinely think I just went a bit overboard - I mean, that list of 'goodies' above is probably enough to make anyone feel ill. I certainly wouldn't rule out food poisoning either. Due to lack of sleep and feeling bad, I cancelled the kettle bells class I had signed up for, and I still feel it was the best decision. I actually did have quite a nice day once my stomach more or less settled - I did some gardening for the first time in months, made jam, and planted some seeds in the kitchen.

The other time I felt bad was last night. We went out for dinner (reoccurring theme here, eating food I haven't cooked myself...) with a big bunch of friends to Pizza Express, and a good time was had. I had told myself I would have a gluten free pizza and water, and that would be it. This was partly because after the above mentioned games night, I figured I would give up alcohol until our wedding (only another three weeks!). I failed already though. To be fair, I only had one glass of wine, not a heavy night or anything. I just completely lacked any willpower to refuse when everyone else was ordering wine or beer. Driving would have prevented me from drinking, but it was so closed it seemed silly... Anyway, my gluten free pizza was tiny, so I ended up having a brownie for dessert (gluten free). It was really good, and I enjoyed it and didn't in any way regret eating it, but I did have stomach ache later. Luckily it wasn't too bad, the emergency Buscopan saved me and my sleep wasn't too disrupted.

I am starting to think that wine is a large part of the problem, and frankly, that sucks. Going to have to rethink my drinking.

Wedding nerves are starting to kick in. Not about actually getting married or anything, I'm very, very happy about that bit. I'm just nervous about whether people will have a good time, whether I will look okay in my dress, whether the things I've made will look good enough and not like a five-year-old has done them... the list goes on. I went to pick up my dress today and tried it on, and needed help doing it up! It did up, but only just. It's not actually uncomfortable, but if I try to eat anything with it on it might explode. The next three weeks have to be über healthy for me, and given the tales of my lack of willpower above, it's going to be hard work. I have been pretty good today, so we'll see how long it lasts. I also picked up our wedding rings, and had doubts about mine. It's a gorgeous ring, I really do love it. The problem is that my engagement ring is a funny shape - the metal kind of twists around the diamond - so it's a bit curvy. My wedding ring has a slight curve, so it doesn't look totally weird next to my engagement ring, but I didn't want a wedding ring that fitted round the engagement ring, as I want to be able to wear the wedding ring on its own. However, that means that the two rings don't fit together smoothly and I put them on and wasn't sure I liked how they looked. I think I've decided I do actually really like them like that, but it's one of those stupid things that just bugged me. Don't even get me started on how my arms look in proportion to the rest of me in my wedding dress... I haven't really been stressed about the wedding at all, but now that it's actually almost here I am starting to panic a bit. Still, as long as we get married, I'm sure it'll all be fine.

To end the post on a positive note, one thing I am really happy about is that spring is finally showing itself, meaning I can garden again. Gardening is my therapy, and my garden is my joy. Eventually it will be my pride too, but we're working on that - there's a long way to go! Even just weeding for a couple of hours makes me feel so much better. I love being out in the fresh air, making things look pretty, being in nature. It does absolute wonders for the mind, and probably for the body too. The weather has been beautiful today, so fingers crossed we get plenty more like it. I made my other half help me measure the garden yesterday so I can start to actually plan it a bit more. I want to put a vegetable bed in this year and start growing some crops, then if it works, put in a couple more beds next year. My dream is to have a potting shed... I feel so middle aged already!

Long time no blog....

Oh dear, how has so much time passed without me posting? Seriously, February has flown by. A few more days and March will be upon us.

Things carry on where we are. Mostly, things have improved. My other half is happier, I am happier... but financially we could do with him starting a new job soon. Either that, or we'll have to review our spending somewhat. Our mortgage statement for the last calendar year came through this week, and it has made me determined to try to put some savings towards it as an additional payment, as the amount of interest we are paying is terrifying! I want it gone as soon as possible, but the trick is finding the right balance, so we have a life and actually still have fun, but save as much as we can to put towards the mortgage at the same time. It's tough being a responsible adult!

My other half is not totally content, he definitely needs to get some sort of job. My worry is that he will stress and worry in whatever he does, as he is that type of person. I just don't want to see him miserable again. He will be getting some help, which is good, but I just hope it really does help him. We need to move on, as much as he is enjoying his life of leisure. If moving on actually means him being a house husband, then we need to reassess our spending and saving and make a new plan.

Meanwhile, my stomach is generally okay. I'm still mostly gluten free, and still mostly doing okay. It remains unclear whether the problem is gluten or wheat, or something else entirely. However, as things are pretty good at the moment, I will carry on being more-or-less gluten free for now. I've been trying out some recipes (the gluten free pancakes were not wonderful, but the cereal bar type things I've made are lovely).

It's now only just over four weeks until we get married. I'm excited about the wedding - mostly about seeing all my favourite people in one place and eating cake. Getting married itself? Yes, I am looking forward to that too. But mostly seeing people and eating cake!

Life Update

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. Time just seems to be flying by. It's less than seven weeks until I get married now. Luckily, I am just feeling very excited about it and not really stressed at all. Mostly I'm just looking forward to having all my favourite people in one place. I dreamt the other night that I'd turned up at the ceremony in my dress but didn't have my shoes, we hadn't collected the rings and we hadn't sorted out any music - and my reaction was, 'oh well, let's just get married anyway'. I really hope that's how I end up feeling in real life, as I'm sure some things won't go to plan!

Right now, I feel so much better and I think I'm in a good place. Don't get me wrong, work is still stressful and I woke up this morning thinking of the huge number of things I need to do at work tomorrow. However, I think I've managed to push those out of my brain more or less for the moment, and I will deal with them when I get to the office tomorrow morning. Stomach-wise, cutting out gluten really seems to have done the job. I initially tried to give up a load of high FODMAP foods, which was too difficult and too big a jump, and back in September I was mostly eating plain carbs, as I couldn't face much fruit and veg. Since deciding to give up gluten and forget about everything else for a while, my diet has stabilised somewhat and it's some time since I've had bad abdominal pains. I still sometimes take medication if my stomach feels a bit troubled, or sometimes on a Sunday night/Monday morning when my return-to-work stress levels are a bit high, but other than that it's doing so well. I cannot explain the relief I feel.

I'm sure part of being in a good place is due to my other half no longer being at work. My emotional wellbeing is able to start recovering, as I worry about my other half much less, and as he is less sad, it is taking far less of a toll on me. He is definitely going to have to get around to finding a new job at some point, as we will get to the point where we need the money really, but for now I'm so glad he's having some time off.

Given my love of baking, I'm in the market for some good gluten free recipes now. Luckily there are loads on the internet, and I have tried out the Doves Farm Christmas cake recipe as I wanted a gluten free tier for our wedding cake (yes, I am making it myself - see sentence professing my love of baking). I had to try it out and take it to work before making the actual wedding cake tier, and I'm pleased to say it was really nice. I was really impressed with it - it's not the same as my usual rich fruit cake that I make for Christmas, but it is a solid fruit cake. It actually reminds me a bit more of Simnel cake rather than Christmas cake, but as I love Simnel cake that's definitely not a bad thing anyway.

I do need to shift my eating habits a little closer to the healthy end - I'm still eating a few too many treats - however in general, it has got back to normal a lot faster than it did after Christmas last year! I'm slowly gaining new/regaining old habits. I have got back to eating porridge for breakfast rather than cereal, which for me is good as the gluten free cereal I can get either has added sugar or a lot of dried fruit. By eating porridge I can focus more on protein, and add some fresh fruit. I've also managed to get into the habit of flossing every night, which is a big improvement. In addition to that, I've got back into the habit of exercising regularly. Now that I'm paying for a gym membership, it kind of makes me go! I've been swimming three times this week, and to a kettle bells class (followed by a very quick swim to stretch off). I'm also trying to do some arm exercises at home with my dumbbells - hoping to tone up a bit in time to wear my strapless wedding dress!

Anyway, although I haven't managed to do an assessment each day for January as I'd planned, it has turned out to be a good, productive month, and in all honesty I think it has been very much an assessment. Maybe things moved faster than planned, but that's no bad thing.

February is going to be a month for progress. I'm hoping to continue progressing my return to healthy eating, the exercise I'm doing (not so much doing more exercise and progressing my fitness), our wedding preparations, and my other half's situation. I don't have a goal for him, such as finding a new job, I just want him to be in a better place. That might mean finding a job, it might just mean preparing himself to look. Either way, as long as we make some progress, I'm happy.

He did it!

He did it! My wonderful other half handed in his notice on Monday, and as he didn't need to work his notice, left immediately. It was definitely the right decision. It was no longer the right place or job for him. He seems a lot less sad, although I can tell that he's now worrying about other things - whether he'll find a new job, money, sorting things out (he needs a new phone as his previous one was provided by work), and he feels guilty that I'm out working when he's at home. Personally, I am happier now that he has left his job. I am happy that he is out of there and not worrying and stressing about work anymore. It is much better for him. If necessary, I would carry on how things are at the moment for quite a while. As much as I'd love to be a housewife, as things stand, I'd be happy for him to be a househusband! I think he will get fed up of being at home after a while, and he will definitely worry about the money - so I think a new job will be on the cards soon. That's fine by me as well, as the extra money wouldn't hurt, especially since we love going on holiday!

The other benefit that this change has had is that I talk about work less at home, and I'm therefore able to switch off more easily. I don't want to talk about it in front of him really, as I don't want to make him feel down or guilty, and it does mean that I think about it less myself as a result. That is definitely a good thing, as it's very very busy and a bit stressful at the moment. I don't feel too bad though...

I hadn't really been doing too much of my own thing recently, as I'd been trying to be in to be with my other half and make him feel better, but I've managed to do more this week. I went to my choir practice on Monday, and managed a swim on Tuesday evening and this evening, and plan to go to a friend's for wine tomorrow. It's nice getting used to a new normal.

Making a big change

Last week (as usual) ended up being a complete mixed bag, which resulted in a decision to make a big change.

I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.

On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.

My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.

I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.

It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.

I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.

In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.

It's going to be a hell of a week.

Carrying on...

Last week kind of improved as it went on. I'm not sure whether it got better, or whether we just felt like the weekend was nearly here! In any case, it wasn't so bad by the end, and my other half's levels of sadness never quite reached the rock bottom levels of last Sunday again. We are waiting for the counselling referral from the doctor for him, and until then just taking each day as it comes, one at a time.

I applied for the job that I liked the look of. Interviews are supposed to be next Monday, so I should know this week whether I've got that far. I'm hoping I hear soon, as I will need to book the day off if I'm going to go. I really hope I at least get an interview - I need hope that I can do something else. In general, I've been feeling okay - at times even like I want to stay in my current job. I really enjoy being with my colleagues. However, today really put an end to that. Nothing bad happened, but I don't enjoy the work and it is sucking out my soul! I need to move on, so after this week I'll be searching for and applying for other jobs. If it turns out it's impractical to go to interviews whilst working, I may get to the point where I just hand in my notice.

It's hard to know what's best.

Back to work

Sunday was definitely not a good day for my lovely other half. He was depressed and feeling very low. When I suggested going to the doctors, he didn't protest at all. It was so hard to see him like that. I am doing my best to keep floating, but it's very difficult at times. I was finding it tough to stay positive myself, so I felt like my other half's sadness just pushed me back under. However, I have been okay. I dragged my other half out for a walk and some fresh air, which I think helped a little, as he was okay enough for me to take a little time out to go swimming. That really helped me and relaxed me a bit.

Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.

Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Assessment #1

I mentioned in my last post that my lovely other half and I would be assessing each day in January, so that at the end of the month we can look back and easily see how we felt throughout the month. This will hopefully then show us whether we need to kickstart some change in our lives.

The first three days of January have been mixed. I have had a niggling sadness, but I have just about managed to overcome it by focussing on the things I enjoy. I've been sewing (and planning some future sewing projects) and went swimming on Friday. However, my other half has been particularly sad, which has been hard for me to cope with as well. Given that I have put quite a lot of effort into keeping myself positive, it's hard to deal with someone else's seemingly perpetual sadness as well. Yesterday afternoon we had a short drive out and took our new camera to take some pictures - I figured that a bit of fresh air and movement might do us both good. Sure enough, it definitely helped, although the sadness set in again soon.

The good thing is that I think he is at the point where he also wants to do something about it. I am also set to do something about it. I've found one job to apply for - I doubt I have much chance, but after speaking to a friend I decided to apply for it, as it means I am truly serious about finding a new job. Unfortunately, I have no idea how much it pays - the job advert just states 'competitive', which I think usually means it isn't high. Money is definitely not everything, and not even my priority, however I need to know that I would be able to pay my mortgage and bills, and save enough that I feel secure. I'm applying anyway though, and I guess we'll just see what happens.

I suppose the summary for the first few days of January is mixed to positive for me - although some of that is due to me thinking that this is going to be the year that I change things, and therefore not caring so much about my current job.

New Year...New Me?

Happy new year! I'm going to be honest, right now I don't feel particularly happy, and I suspect that it might have something to do with the fact that 2015 feels very daunting right now (that and it's quite grey and gloomy outside).

I said to my wonderful other half yesterday that I want to make sure that in 2015 I feel less sad than I did in 2014. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of lovely parts of 2014, it's not like I sat in sadness all year. However, there were definitely more sad times than I really wanted to deal with. Unfortunately, knowing that work is often the root of my sadness, dealing with it seems scary. If I do get to the point where I decide that the only way to make myself happier again is to leave my job and do something different, I would be leaving everything I know in the world of work, leaving my fantastic friends and colleagues, and leaving a well-paid job. This terrifies me. I'm confident I would be able to find another job, but I'm not confident I would find something I'd really enjoy as I don't know that I have the experience - I only really have business analyst experience, and I'd like to do something creative. If I did somehow manage to get a job that I thought I would enjoy, I would worry that I wouldn't be any good at it. And what if it didn't work out? What if I couldn't afford to keep up my mortgage payments?

Admittedly, that's the extreme version - who knows, maybe I can just deal with my current work better. But either way, I want to be happier.

Given that my lovely other half also suffers from periodic sadness due to work (we both work at the same place - although we are also both similar in that we worry and stress about things a lot, so I have no idea whether it's really due to the work or whether we'd do that in any job), I have decided that each day in January we are going to rate our happiness/sadness level. At the end of January, we'll look back at the month and see how many days we have felt sad, happy etc and why. That way, we can work out whether we need to be looking to change something, and hopefully work out what.

I'm definitely expecting that we're going to need to change something. However, my lovely other half is just as scared as I am, so it's not going to be easy.

I'm going to try to post my daily 'rating' on here each day so that I have somewhere to track it.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to start doing things I really do love in order to make myself happy. Work shouldn't be all consuming, and I'm going to try to make sure that it isn't. I joined a local gym yesterday, as they have a swimming pool (I had a week's trial there before Christmas) and not only do I enjoy swimming, it normally makes me feel better. We've also just bought ourselves as DSLR as a Christmas/wedding present, so I'm looking forward to using it, trying things out, and hopefully learning to take some good photos. Choir starts again on Monday, and that always gives me a good release, and I can now throw myself into wedding preparations! I have plenty of crafting to get on with, and that usually puts me in a great frame of mind.

Even just writing this has been quite cathartic and has improved my mood. I do have such a lot to be thankful for. Maybe I'll go swimming as well though...

Wishing everyone a happy, and healthy, 2015.

Christmas Hols

Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.

Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!

I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:

That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.

In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).

Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!

Tough Times

It has been a very up and down week. Not much change there then! I felt so much better when I last posted, but somehow it went downhill again. I visited a friend at the weekend, which was absolutely lovely, but when I woke up on Sunday morning without my wonderful other half in bed with me, I just felt sad. I visited my other half's parents on the way home and went out for a good walk with them and the gorgeous labrador they were looking after, which definitely improved my mood.

On Monday, things actually got better. In some ways, this week has improved things a lot - in other ways many things at work have annoyed me. I've worked some long days with early starts, and I am exhausted. Last night I was extremely down, worrying about certain things at work. Somehow though, I feel like I am more on top of things now though and like I can relax a bit more.

I was convinced at the weekend that I needed a new job, but really I'm not sure. I keep wavering. At the moment I'm okay where I am. I'm concentrating on getting through to our Christmas break then enjoying my time off, and hoping that I can switch off properly.

Stress less

My current aim (and I'm sure that of many people) - stress less. Easier said than done. Somehow, I seem to be doing it. After spending last weekend with two friends and talking to them, I started to feel better. Work isn't everything. Spending meaningful time with friends and family is worth a lot more. Aside from transport, I didn't even spend much money - it's not like we did loads of expensive activities, we mostly just walked, talked, ate and enjoyed each other's company. Once I got back home I still had two work free days (hooray) and I really felt that my other half and I made the most of them - tidied/cleaned the house, food shopped, did some Christmas shopping, went to choir, went to the cinema twice, and sorted wedding rings. Oh, and did some sewing and finished my wreath! I really enjoyed myself, and being busy meant I didn't spend my time off moping about going back to work.

Even the return to work wasn't so bad. Actually, I take that back. It was awful. But somehow I don't especially care. I returned to the news that four people in my team have left/are leaving. It's not good news. However, it seems to have freed me a bit. As my other half described it, it's almost like it's okay to move on. Writing that seems stupid - of course it's okay to move on - but in a weird way, I have always felt loyal to the company I work for. Now that more people have left, it's like it would be okay for me to go too. I'm not actually planning to do so, but knowing that I just could, and that there are other jobs out there that I'd probably enjoy and be able to do, makes me feel better. So yes, I will continue to go to work, and I'll continue to work hard and do my best, but I will also be doing my best to not care so much that I stress about it. It's only a job, and I can leave if I want to - there are other jobs out there.

A hard week

It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.

I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.

One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.

Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.

What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.

Up and down

It's been an odd sort of week, and the type of week that I expect will happen often. In short, it's been up and down. I've definitely had less pain and nausea than usual. That said, I've been feeling sad at times. I would say that my stress levels have decreased a little, not because I've got less work or anything but because I'm trying hard to care a little less. However, a bit of sadness has crept in now and again, the reasons for which remain unknown.

Right now, I'm looking forward to my other half arriving home (hopefully only another half hour). I went to the pub for a bit to meet some friends from work, as I didn't really feel like being alone, but to be honest it wasn't the most fun ever. There weren't as many people there as there often are so there were fewer people to chat to.

This weekend is a free weekend - by which I mean I'm not going away and don't have definite plans. I do plan to do some Christmas shopping, however if I don't, it's not the biggest issue ever. I intend to have a lie in tomorrow, and get some other stuff done, but no big plans. A bit of a mooch around the house is in order, and muchly needed.

I don't really understand why I get sad. Sometimes I think I need a new job, and at other times I don't think it has anything to do with my job. I'm also torn between needing enough hobbies to keep me busy and distracted, and thinking that I shouldn't need to be distracted and should resolve whatever I currently find I need to be distracted from. In any case, I don't think there's any harm in spending time doing things I enjoy - and to be honest, that often resolves the sadness. It's just difficult to understand where it's coming from.

This weekend I'm hoping to get on with some sewing - I'm making an advent calendar which involves a lot of little bags, intending to make some Christmas bunting (oh yeah!), and promised my parents I'd sew a cushion cover for the cushion for the bench in their conservatory. I think at this rate I'll be lucky to have it done by Christmas! I don't want to put pressure on myself do them, as if I change my mind, I don't want to make myself feel bad. That said, a bit of a plan is a good thing, as if I'm stuck for what I want to do I already have something in mind. And you never know, maybe I'll even end up with something useful!

Sunday Night Blues

Weekends always seem to fly by far too quickly. Somehow before you know it, it's Sunday evening again! To be honest, work days go pretty fast as well, but weekends especially just disappear. I also usually seem to have plans, and so being busy does make the time just slip right by before your eyes.

When weekends go so fast and you don't want to go back to work (whether that's because you hate it or just because free time is so much more enjoyable), Sunday night blues can be a common occurrence. In reality, for me at least, work is rarely as bad as my anticipation and anxiety fears, so the Sunday night blues really aren't justified. However, they still put in an appearance, so the aim of the game is to banish them as far as possible.

The best way I have found to achieve this is to do something. That means a little planning is required, so that there's no sitting around and not deciding what to do. For us, our plan in the autumn/winter is NFL. We usually settle down to watch NFL for the evening, have some snack food that feels a little like a treat, and spend time together. Whilst we are 'just' watching TV, which is something I wouldn't necessarily recommend for taking your mind off work, we're watching something that we can become emotionally invested in. Not least because we both have fantasy teams so we keep an eye on those.

Other suggestions would be watching a DVD (and concentrating, not doing something else at the same time), playing a board game, going to the cinema, having friends round for games and nibbles, working on a craft project... basically doing something that you concentrate on completely, and that is enjoyable. That way, there's no room left for the Sunday night blues and hopefully you'll be in a good mood as you've been doing something fun. Furthermore, it hopefully results in being nicely relaxed, leading to a good night's sleep and therefore a fresh and positive start to the week. At the very least, it's something to aspire to and work towards!

A mixed bag

This week, as the blog post title suggests, has been somewhat mixed in terms of how I've been feeling. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty awful pain and nausea wise. I kind of expected it first thing on Tuesday as it was the return to work, but I didn't expect it to continue. Wednesday was more or less the same. I think I was stressed - we had lots to do, and there were so many things I had to sort out - but it wasn't anywhere near the same levels as it had been before. I think the turning point for me was Wednesday evening. I tried to stop thinking about work. It's not exactly a novel approach, but usually when I'm stressed about work I try to organise my thoughts. On Wednesday evening I tried to just switch them off. I was busy that evening - we went to the sorting office to collect a parcel, did some food shopping, and stopped at Homebase for some sealant (ah, exciting times!), then made my Christmas cake. However, we'd also decided we should do something, and decided on watching a DVD. Instead of choosing something off our shelves, my other half gave me an early birthday present which was The Lego Movie on DVD. Sitting and actually concentrating on a film (rather than half watching TV whilst messing around on my laptop) really felt like a break. Also, the film is awesome!

Yesterday was my birthday, and despite being at work was a nice day. I felt less ill in the morning, I think due to relaxing more the evening before, and managed to eat more breakfast (the previous two days I managed half a bread roll each day). I was really lucky and felt very loved, as lots of people wished me happy birthday, and I was given cards, and some lovely friends at work brought in cakes which our entire room really appreciated! I also had lots of lovely cards and presents from friends and family, then went out for dinner with my other half which was delicious. We then settled down to watch some of season 1 of The Newsroom which is amazing - we've seen it before but are watching it again before starting season 3!

I think I must have really switched off, as this morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off which is very unusual. I'm normally awake ages before. In fairness, I think I did wake up earlier but I must have drifted back off to sleep. One of my birthday presents was a Fitbit Flex, which is a pedometer and also measures thinks like calories burned, allows you to enter exercise and food (which I probably won't use) but also monitors your sleep. Apparently I woke up once but was restless 22 times. I'm not sure how it measures it but I'm going to look into it further and hopefully it might help me improve my sleep.

It's very odd, going from feeling so awful and being really stressed to feeling much better and more relaxed. It's also most definitely a vicious circle, as the worse I feel the more stressed I feel, and the more stressed I feel the worse I feel. Similarly, the better I feel, the more relaxed I feel, and the more relaxed I feel the better I feel. I am definitely going to try to make more of my evenings so that by relaxing and switching off more, I hopefully continue in the good cycle and prevent myself from feeling ill so much. On that note, I'm off swimming!

Back to reality

Our wonderful break is almost over - we arrived back home today. This afternoon has been spent getting stuff done - unpacking, washing, food shopping, student loan calls (don't ask)... Yesterday and this morning I was feeling pretty down. I think it's an end-of-holiday feeling. My parents always used to call it 'school-itis' at the end of the school holidays! I just don't want to go back, and yet I know that once I'm there it will probably be fine, albeit busy.

On the plus side, I do feel a bit better now. Starting like I mean to go on, I went swimming this afternoon and managed a whole kilometre, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, not to mention feeling good due to the exercise itself as well. Once I'd showered and dressed I wandered past a mirror, and I just looked so healthy - relatively clear skin, a good colour from doing some exercise, hair that actually looks pretty decent right now, and a generally okay body. In a weird way, it felt good to feel good about all of that, having had issues with pretty much all of those things! I suffered from acne when I was younger and it didn't really get much better until my early twenties, I'm very pale, etc etc. If nothing else, I am learning to accept and appreciate my body. Now I just need to learn to appreciate my mind a bit too!

Feeling down and sad is horrible. I don't know how to describe it, other than like being at the bottom of a pit that you don't know how to climb out of. I'm lucky, in that my spells like that don't usually last more than a day or two. It has been worse recently, but never completely horrendous. However, I do have second hand experience of what it's like when it does go on longer, and it's awful. It really scares me that given how stressed and down I do sometimes feel, I could potentially slide downwards and feel like I will never be able to get out of it. The feelings definitely do relate to work, but I'm not sure that they're specific to my job - I think they stem more from my lack of confidence, my tendency to worry about everything, and my inability to detach work and home life. I'm going to work on all three, but concentrate on trying to restore my confidence for the moment. One of the first things I'm going to do is spend time with my best friends. I definitely don't plan to moan to them or sit with a negative attitude, but more to pick their brains to find out what they think I'm good at, what they think I'm suited to doing and how they'd recommend improving my confidence. As they know me best, hopefully it's a good place to start!

Any chance of a weekend off?

My weekends seem to be constantly filled with things. It's amazing being busy and seeing friends, but it also leaves me wondering when I'm going to get things done - for example making the Christmas cake, doing Christmas shopping, cleaning the house - not to mention all of the boring chores that just need doing. It would also be nice to spend some quality time with my other half (although we've done quite well with that this week).

Sometimes, though, it's worth being busy. I'm currently making potential plans go to London to visit a friend who will be over from the States. She is suffering from depression at the moment, and has jumped at the chance to stay in a friend's flat in London for a while and cat-sit, which is brilliant. A few of us are trying to get there to visit as well, hopefully to help her start to feel better, but at the very least so that she knows we are there for her. Part of me is thinking that I don't really have the time or the money to do this, but I think her need is greater. It will just mean that I need to be very good at planning, and strategically use the couple of days that I can still take off work so that I can do things like Christmas shopping during that time.

I will definitely have to be careful if I'm going to do this. Knowing that there are a lot of things that I need/want to get done, there is a good chance that I will end up stressing a lot about when I'm going to be able to do them. If/when I book my train tickets, I am going to have to make a solid plan and ensure that I stick to it. It's not going to be easy. However, sometimes our own problems need to be set aside for a time so that all of our care and attention can be focussed on someone that really needs it.

Holiday downtime

The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.

Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.

I was quite calm at this point!

What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.

I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.

What a difference a day makes

I had wondered how I would feel today. I'm on annual leave, but that doesn't usually stop me worrying about work - normally I worry about whether I've done a good enough job that other people can pick up where I left off, and whether I've handed everything over, whether I've done my work thoroughly enough... the list goes on.

As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.

Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.

I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.