Last week kind of improved as it went on. I'm not sure whether it got better, or whether we just felt like the weekend was nearly here! In any case, it wasn't so bad by the end, and my other half's levels of sadness never quite reached the rock bottom levels of last Sunday again. We are waiting for the counselling referral from the doctor for him, and until then just taking each day as it comes, one at a time.
I applied for the job that I liked the look of. Interviews are supposed to be next Monday, so I should know this week whether I've got that far. I'm hoping I hear soon, as I will need to book the day off if I'm going to go. I really hope I at least get an interview - I need hope that I can do something else. In general, I've been feeling okay - at times even like I want to stay in my current job. I really enjoy being with my colleagues. However, today really put an end to that. Nothing bad happened, but I don't enjoy the work and it is sucking out my soul! I need to move on, so after this week I'll be searching for and applying for other jobs. If it turns out it's impractical to go to interviews whilst working, I may get to the point where I just hand in my notice.
It's hard to know what's best.
Monday, 12 January 2015
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Back to work
Sunday was definitely not a good day for my lovely other half. He was depressed and feeling very low. When I suggested going to the doctors, he didn't protest at all. It was so hard to see him like that. I am doing my best to keep floating, but it's very difficult at times. I was finding it tough to stay positive myself, so I felt like my other half's sadness just pushed me back under. However, I have been okay. I dragged my other half out for a walk and some fresh air, which I think helped a little, as he was okay enough for me to take a little time out to go swimming. That really helped me and relaxed me a bit.
Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Sunday, 4 January 2015
Assessment #1
I mentioned in my last post that my lovely other half and I would be assessing each day in January, so that at the end of the month we can look back and easily see how we felt throughout the month. This will hopefully then show us whether we need to kickstart some change in our lives.
The first three days of January have been mixed. I have had a niggling sadness, but I have just about managed to overcome it by focussing on the things I enjoy. I've been sewing (and planning some future sewing projects) and went swimming on Friday. However, my other half has been particularly sad, which has been hard for me to cope with as well. Given that I have put quite a lot of effort into keeping myself positive, it's hard to deal with someone else's seemingly perpetual sadness as well. Yesterday afternoon we had a short drive out and took our new camera to take some pictures - I figured that a bit of fresh air and movement might do us both good. Sure enough, it definitely helped, although the sadness set in again soon.
The good thing is that I think he is at the point where he also wants to do something about it. I am also set to do something about it. I've found one job to apply for - I doubt I have much chance, but after speaking to a friend I decided to apply for it, as it means I am truly serious about finding a new job. Unfortunately, I have no idea how much it pays - the job advert just states 'competitive', which I think usually means it isn't high. Money is definitely not everything, and not even my priority, however I need to know that I would be able to pay my mortgage and bills, and save enough that I feel secure. I'm applying anyway though, and I guess we'll just see what happens.
I suppose the summary for the first few days of January is mixed to positive for me - although some of that is due to me thinking that this is going to be the year that I change things, and therefore not caring so much about my current job.
The first three days of January have been mixed. I have had a niggling sadness, but I have just about managed to overcome it by focussing on the things I enjoy. I've been sewing (and planning some future sewing projects) and went swimming on Friday. However, my other half has been particularly sad, which has been hard for me to cope with as well. Given that I have put quite a lot of effort into keeping myself positive, it's hard to deal with someone else's seemingly perpetual sadness as well. Yesterday afternoon we had a short drive out and took our new camera to take some pictures - I figured that a bit of fresh air and movement might do us both good. Sure enough, it definitely helped, although the sadness set in again soon.
The good thing is that I think he is at the point where he also wants to do something about it. I am also set to do something about it. I've found one job to apply for - I doubt I have much chance, but after speaking to a friend I decided to apply for it, as it means I am truly serious about finding a new job. Unfortunately, I have no idea how much it pays - the job advert just states 'competitive', which I think usually means it isn't high. Money is definitely not everything, and not even my priority, however I need to know that I would be able to pay my mortgage and bills, and save enough that I feel secure. I'm applying anyway though, and I guess we'll just see what happens.
I suppose the summary for the first few days of January is mixed to positive for me - although some of that is due to me thinking that this is going to be the year that I change things, and therefore not caring so much about my current job.
Thursday, 1 January 2015
New Year...New Me?
Happy new year! I'm going to be honest, right now I don't feel particularly happy, and I suspect that it might have something to do with the fact that 2015 feels very daunting right now (that and it's quite grey and gloomy outside).
I said to my wonderful other half yesterday that I want to make sure that in 2015 I feel less sad than I did in 2014. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of lovely parts of 2014, it's not like I sat in sadness all year. However, there were definitely more sad times than I really wanted to deal with. Unfortunately, knowing that work is often the root of my sadness, dealing with it seems scary. If I do get to the point where I decide that the only way to make myself happier again is to leave my job and do something different, I would be leaving everything I know in the world of work, leaving my fantastic friends and colleagues, and leaving a well-paid job. This terrifies me. I'm confident I would be able to find another job, but I'm not confident I would find something I'd really enjoy as I don't know that I have the experience - I only really have business analyst experience, and I'd like to do something creative. If I did somehow manage to get a job that I thought I would enjoy, I would worry that I wouldn't be any good at it. And what if it didn't work out? What if I couldn't afford to keep up my mortgage payments?
Admittedly, that's the extreme version - who knows, maybe I can just deal with my current work better. But either way, I want to be happier.
Given that my lovely other half also suffers from periodic sadness due to work (we both work at the same place - although we are also both similar in that we worry and stress about things a lot, so I have no idea whether it's really due to the work or whether we'd do that in any job), I have decided that each day in January we are going to rate our happiness/sadness level. At the end of January, we'll look back at the month and see how many days we have felt sad, happy etc and why. That way, we can work out whether we need to be looking to change something, and hopefully work out what.
I'm definitely expecting that we're going to need to change something. However, my lovely other half is just as scared as I am, so it's not going to be easy.
I'm going to try to post my daily 'rating' on here each day so that I have somewhere to track it.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to start doing things I really do love in order to make myself happy. Work shouldn't be all consuming, and I'm going to try to make sure that it isn't. I joined a local gym yesterday, as they have a swimming pool (I had a week's trial there before Christmas) and not only do I enjoy swimming, it normally makes me feel better. We've also just bought ourselves as DSLR as a Christmas/wedding present, so I'm looking forward to using it, trying things out, and hopefully learning to take some good photos. Choir starts again on Monday, and that always gives me a good release, and I can now throw myself into wedding preparations! I have plenty of crafting to get on with, and that usually puts me in a great frame of mind.
Even just writing this has been quite cathartic and has improved my mood. I do have such a lot to be thankful for. Maybe I'll go swimming as well though...
Wishing everyone a happy, and healthy, 2015.
I said to my wonderful other half yesterday that I want to make sure that in 2015 I feel less sad than I did in 2014. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of lovely parts of 2014, it's not like I sat in sadness all year. However, there were definitely more sad times than I really wanted to deal with. Unfortunately, knowing that work is often the root of my sadness, dealing with it seems scary. If I do get to the point where I decide that the only way to make myself happier again is to leave my job and do something different, I would be leaving everything I know in the world of work, leaving my fantastic friends and colleagues, and leaving a well-paid job. This terrifies me. I'm confident I would be able to find another job, but I'm not confident I would find something I'd really enjoy as I don't know that I have the experience - I only really have business analyst experience, and I'd like to do something creative. If I did somehow manage to get a job that I thought I would enjoy, I would worry that I wouldn't be any good at it. And what if it didn't work out? What if I couldn't afford to keep up my mortgage payments?
Admittedly, that's the extreme version - who knows, maybe I can just deal with my current work better. But either way, I want to be happier.
Given that my lovely other half also suffers from periodic sadness due to work (we both work at the same place - although we are also both similar in that we worry and stress about things a lot, so I have no idea whether it's really due to the work or whether we'd do that in any job), I have decided that each day in January we are going to rate our happiness/sadness level. At the end of January, we'll look back at the month and see how many days we have felt sad, happy etc and why. That way, we can work out whether we need to be looking to change something, and hopefully work out what.
I'm definitely expecting that we're going to need to change something. However, my lovely other half is just as scared as I am, so it's not going to be easy.
I'm going to try to post my daily 'rating' on here each day so that I have somewhere to track it.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to start doing things I really do love in order to make myself happy. Work shouldn't be all consuming, and I'm going to try to make sure that it isn't. I joined a local gym yesterday, as they have a swimming pool (I had a week's trial there before Christmas) and not only do I enjoy swimming, it normally makes me feel better. We've also just bought ourselves as DSLR as a Christmas/wedding present, so I'm looking forward to using it, trying things out, and hopefully learning to take some good photos. Choir starts again on Monday, and that always gives me a good release, and I can now throw myself into wedding preparations! I have plenty of crafting to get on with, and that usually puts me in a great frame of mind.
Even just writing this has been quite cathartic and has improved my mood. I do have such a lot to be thankful for. Maybe I'll go swimming as well though...
Wishing everyone a happy, and healthy, 2015.
Monday, 29 December 2014
Christmas Hols
Without really realising it, over two weeks have gone by since I last posted. This is partly due to me being pretty busy and visiting family, and partly I haven't felt like posting. That isn't to say I haven't had anything to write about though.
Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!
I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:
That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.
In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).
Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!
Feelings have been up and down and all over the place. Some days I've almost thought that going back to work will be okay (maybe not quite at the point of looking forward to it, but getting close!), whereas others I've been mad at it and really not wanted to spend any more time there. Mostly I'm just trying to ignore it and deal with it when the time comes. I have to spend a little time there tomorrow, but other than that I'm not back until next Monday (unless I get called in) so we have a bit more time to relax. My wonderful other half has also had his moments where he has been quite down about work as well, so between us we are a mess at times!
I also realised the other day that our wedding is looming, and there is still a lot to do. Unfortunately I realised this when trying to go to sleep (the WORST time to start worrying about things, as they always seem ten times worse!). My lovely other half came up to bed and gave me a hug, reassured me, then offered to do the seating plan, which I promptly vetoed (at least I vetoed him doing it all by himself) as goodness knows who would be sat where. Joking aside, he did do a very good job of calming me down, as always, and I did drift off to sleep. The next morning I started a 'to do' list in a fabulous notebook my best friend had given me for Christmas:
That made me feel much better, and we think we can probably get quite a lot done this week. We have started to decide on stuff for the actual ceremony, so I feel like progress is being made.
In other news, I think gluten or wheat might be the main cause of my stomach aches. I was doing terribly with low FODMAP as there are so many changes to make, so I'd pretty much given up. Both my doctor and another doctor I know had suggested that gluten can be a big factor in IBS, and after a friend also said that cutting out wheat and gluten had made a huge difference to her son, I decided to give that a go and to not worry about anything else. I will admit that I haven't fully cut out gluten - with it being Christmas, I have been eating a little over the last week or so. The gluten free pastry I made was hard and icky, so I have been munching the odd mince pie and bit of Christmas cake. However, before that I did really well for the first few weeks of December, and I noticed a massive difference. I can't say for sure that it's due to that change - I don't know whether I've just stressed less - but since cutting gluten (and wheat, as it turns out) out, I've definitely had less stomach ache. Finding out whether it is gluten or wheat will probably be difficult, but since I've not come across things that are gluten free but still contain wheat, it's probably not going to be an issue. My lovely parents were so prepared when we went to visit them - GF cereal, GF bread, GF Christmas pudding, and my dad even made GF bread sauce (one of my favourite parts of Christmas dinner!).
Admittedly, I am currently on holiday from work so I am less prone to worrying about it, which in turn probably makes me worry and stress less. However, I will take any little gain I can!
Friday, 12 December 2014
Tough Times
It has been a very up and down week. Not much change there then! I felt so much better when I last posted, but somehow it went downhill again. I visited a friend at the weekend, which was absolutely lovely, but when I woke up on Sunday morning without my wonderful other half in bed with me, I just felt sad. I visited my other half's parents on the way home and went out for a good walk with them and the gorgeous labrador they were looking after, which definitely improved my mood.
On Monday, things actually got better. In some ways, this week has improved things a lot - in other ways many things at work have annoyed me. I've worked some long days with early starts, and I am exhausted. Last night I was extremely down, worrying about certain things at work. Somehow though, I feel like I am more on top of things now though and like I can relax a bit more.
I was convinced at the weekend that I needed a new job, but really I'm not sure. I keep wavering. At the moment I'm okay where I am. I'm concentrating on getting through to our Christmas break then enjoying my time off, and hoping that I can switch off properly.
On Monday, things actually got better. In some ways, this week has improved things a lot - in other ways many things at work have annoyed me. I've worked some long days with early starts, and I am exhausted. Last night I was extremely down, worrying about certain things at work. Somehow though, I feel like I am more on top of things now though and like I can relax a bit more.
I was convinced at the weekend that I needed a new job, but really I'm not sure. I keep wavering. At the moment I'm okay where I am. I'm concentrating on getting through to our Christmas break then enjoying my time off, and hoping that I can switch off properly.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Stress less
My current aim (and I'm sure that of many people) - stress less. Easier said than done. Somehow, I seem to be doing it. After spending last weekend with two friends and talking to them, I started to feel better. Work isn't everything. Spending meaningful time with friends and family is worth a lot more. Aside from transport, I didn't even spend much money - it's not like we did loads of expensive activities, we mostly just walked, talked, ate and enjoyed each other's company. Once I got back home I still had two work free days (hooray) and I really felt that my other half and I made the most of them - tidied/cleaned the house, food shopped, did some Christmas shopping, went to choir, went to the cinema twice, and sorted wedding rings. Oh, and did some sewing and finished my wreath! I really enjoyed myself, and being busy meant I didn't spend my time off moping about going back to work.
Even the return to work wasn't so bad. Actually, I take that back. It was awful. But somehow I don't especially care. I returned to the news that four people in my team have left/are leaving. It's not good news. However, it seems to have freed me a bit. As my other half described it, it's almost like it's okay to move on. Writing that seems stupid - of course it's okay to move on - but in a weird way, I have always felt loyal to the company I work for. Now that more people have left, it's like it would be okay for me to go too. I'm not actually planning to do so, but knowing that I just could, and that there are other jobs out there that I'd probably enjoy and be able to do, makes me feel better. So yes, I will continue to go to work, and I'll continue to work hard and do my best, but I will also be doing my best to not care so much that I stress about it. It's only a job, and I can leave if I want to - there are other jobs out there.
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