A hard week

It's been a hard week. On the plus side, it's now my weekend! I'm off work until Wednesday, and I am already loving it. I'm currently sitting watching Thanksgiving NFL, in my pyjamas, waiting for a takeaway to arrive... heaven! I'll probably regret the takeaway later, but right now, it's what I really want.

I have no idea how to cure my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm so sure that it's largely due to stress. That said, I'm also sure that some of it is diet related. I had a 'bad' food day (Diet Coke, chocolate, and the worst of the lot, pizza) on Tuesday and felt awful. I had gone out for dinner with some friends and had a wonderful time, but my tummy did not enjoy the day. I suspect I'm going to have difficulty sticking to low FODMAP this weekend, but after that I'm going to try to be really strict until Christmas.

One of the traps I have definitely fallen into is eating 'free from' gluten free foods. They are incredibly processed, and a lot of them contain a fair amount of sugar, and they're really not healthy. I'm hoping that I've got it out of my system a bit now, so that I can concentrate on low FODMAP and have the occasional gluten free treat as, well, a treat.

Work has been hard this week, and I'm absolutely sure that hasn't helped. Our project is under the spotlight, we are being grilled about what we are getting done, and there is a huge amount of pressure on us. I really don't know whether to start looking for new jobs or not. I like some parts of my job, it's never boring, the time flies by, and I love the people I work with - they are just amazing. Sometimes though I feel that there is too much pressure, it's not really what I want to do forever, and there are some things the company does/ways it works that I find incredibly frustrating. I don't really know whether it would be better anywhere else though - it's very hard to work out.

What I'm hoping is that this weekend I will be able to relax, spend time with some wonderful friends, and recuperate. Friends have magical powers that somehow make everything better, and put your entire life in perspective. Besides, as my amazing other half reminds me, if I hate work that much, I can just quit. Sometimes knowing that is enough for me to keep going.

Up and down

It's been an odd sort of week, and the type of week that I expect will happen often. In short, it's been up and down. I've definitely had less pain and nausea than usual. That said, I've been feeling sad at times. I would say that my stress levels have decreased a little, not because I've got less work or anything but because I'm trying hard to care a little less. However, a bit of sadness has crept in now and again, the reasons for which remain unknown.

Right now, I'm looking forward to my other half arriving home (hopefully only another half hour). I went to the pub for a bit to meet some friends from work, as I didn't really feel like being alone, but to be honest it wasn't the most fun ever. There weren't as many people there as there often are so there were fewer people to chat to.

This weekend is a free weekend - by which I mean I'm not going away and don't have definite plans. I do plan to do some Christmas shopping, however if I don't, it's not the biggest issue ever. I intend to have a lie in tomorrow, and get some other stuff done, but no big plans. A bit of a mooch around the house is in order, and muchly needed.

I don't really understand why I get sad. Sometimes I think I need a new job, and at other times I don't think it has anything to do with my job. I'm also torn between needing enough hobbies to keep me busy and distracted, and thinking that I shouldn't need to be distracted and should resolve whatever I currently find I need to be distracted from. In any case, I don't think there's any harm in spending time doing things I enjoy - and to be honest, that often resolves the sadness. It's just difficult to understand where it's coming from.

This weekend I'm hoping to get on with some sewing - I'm making an advent calendar which involves a lot of little bags, intending to make some Christmas bunting (oh yeah!), and promised my parents I'd sew a cushion cover for the cushion for the bench in their conservatory. I think at this rate I'll be lucky to have it done by Christmas! I don't want to put pressure on myself do them, as if I change my mind, I don't want to make myself feel bad. That said, a bit of a plan is a good thing, as if I'm stuck for what I want to do I already have something in mind. And you never know, maybe I'll even end up with something useful!

Sunday Night Blues

Weekends always seem to fly by far too quickly. Somehow before you know it, it's Sunday evening again! To be honest, work days go pretty fast as well, but weekends especially just disappear. I also usually seem to have plans, and so being busy does make the time just slip right by before your eyes.

When weekends go so fast and you don't want to go back to work (whether that's because you hate it or just because free time is so much more enjoyable), Sunday night blues can be a common occurrence. In reality, for me at least, work is rarely as bad as my anticipation and anxiety fears, so the Sunday night blues really aren't justified. However, they still put in an appearance, so the aim of the game is to banish them as far as possible.

The best way I have found to achieve this is to do something. That means a little planning is required, so that there's no sitting around and not deciding what to do. For us, our plan in the autumn/winter is NFL. We usually settle down to watch NFL for the evening, have some snack food that feels a little like a treat, and spend time together. Whilst we are 'just' watching TV, which is something I wouldn't necessarily recommend for taking your mind off work, we're watching something that we can become emotionally invested in. Not least because we both have fantasy teams so we keep an eye on those.

Other suggestions would be watching a DVD (and concentrating, not doing something else at the same time), playing a board game, going to the cinema, having friends round for games and nibbles, working on a craft project... basically doing something that you concentrate on completely, and that is enjoyable. That way, there's no room left for the Sunday night blues and hopefully you'll be in a good mood as you've been doing something fun. Furthermore, it hopefully results in being nicely relaxed, leading to a good night's sleep and therefore a fresh and positive start to the week. At the very least, it's something to aspire to and work towards!

A mixed bag

This week, as the blog post title suggests, has been somewhat mixed in terms of how I've been feeling. Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty awful pain and nausea wise. I kind of expected it first thing on Tuesday as it was the return to work, but I didn't expect it to continue. Wednesday was more or less the same. I think I was stressed - we had lots to do, and there were so many things I had to sort out - but it wasn't anywhere near the same levels as it had been before. I think the turning point for me was Wednesday evening. I tried to stop thinking about work. It's not exactly a novel approach, but usually when I'm stressed about work I try to organise my thoughts. On Wednesday evening I tried to just switch them off. I was busy that evening - we went to the sorting office to collect a parcel, did some food shopping, and stopped at Homebase for some sealant (ah, exciting times!), then made my Christmas cake. However, we'd also decided we should do something, and decided on watching a DVD. Instead of choosing something off our shelves, my other half gave me an early birthday present which was The Lego Movie on DVD. Sitting and actually concentrating on a film (rather than half watching TV whilst messing around on my laptop) really felt like a break. Also, the film is awesome!

Yesterday was my birthday, and despite being at work was a nice day. I felt less ill in the morning, I think due to relaxing more the evening before, and managed to eat more breakfast (the previous two days I managed half a bread roll each day). I was really lucky and felt very loved, as lots of people wished me happy birthday, and I was given cards, and some lovely friends at work brought in cakes which our entire room really appreciated! I also had lots of lovely cards and presents from friends and family, then went out for dinner with my other half which was delicious. We then settled down to watch some of season 1 of The Newsroom which is amazing - we've seen it before but are watching it again before starting season 3!

I think I must have really switched off, as this morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off which is very unusual. I'm normally awake ages before. In fairness, I think I did wake up earlier but I must have drifted back off to sleep. One of my birthday presents was a Fitbit Flex, which is a pedometer and also measures thinks like calories burned, allows you to enter exercise and food (which I probably won't use) but also monitors your sleep. Apparently I woke up once but was restless 22 times. I'm not sure how it measures it but I'm going to look into it further and hopefully it might help me improve my sleep.

It's very odd, going from feeling so awful and being really stressed to feeling much better and more relaxed. It's also most definitely a vicious circle, as the worse I feel the more stressed I feel, and the more stressed I feel the worse I feel. Similarly, the better I feel, the more relaxed I feel, and the more relaxed I feel the better I feel. I am definitely going to try to make more of my evenings so that by relaxing and switching off more, I hopefully continue in the good cycle and prevent myself from feeling ill so much. On that note, I'm off swimming!

Back to reality

Our wonderful break is almost over - we arrived back home today. This afternoon has been spent getting stuff done - unpacking, washing, food shopping, student loan calls (don't ask)... Yesterday and this morning I was feeling pretty down. I think it's an end-of-holiday feeling. My parents always used to call it 'school-itis' at the end of the school holidays! I just don't want to go back, and yet I know that once I'm there it will probably be fine, albeit busy.

On the plus side, I do feel a bit better now. Starting like I mean to go on, I went swimming this afternoon and managed a whole kilometre, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, not to mention feeling good due to the exercise itself as well. Once I'd showered and dressed I wandered past a mirror, and I just looked so healthy - relatively clear skin, a good colour from doing some exercise, hair that actually looks pretty decent right now, and a generally okay body. In a weird way, it felt good to feel good about all of that, having had issues with pretty much all of those things! I suffered from acne when I was younger and it didn't really get much better until my early twenties, I'm very pale, etc etc. If nothing else, I am learning to accept and appreciate my body. Now I just need to learn to appreciate my mind a bit too!

Feeling down and sad is horrible. I don't know how to describe it, other than like being at the bottom of a pit that you don't know how to climb out of. I'm lucky, in that my spells like that don't usually last more than a day or two. It has been worse recently, but never completely horrendous. However, I do have second hand experience of what it's like when it does go on longer, and it's awful. It really scares me that given how stressed and down I do sometimes feel, I could potentially slide downwards and feel like I will never be able to get out of it. The feelings definitely do relate to work, but I'm not sure that they're specific to my job - I think they stem more from my lack of confidence, my tendency to worry about everything, and my inability to detach work and home life. I'm going to work on all three, but concentrate on trying to restore my confidence for the moment. One of the first things I'm going to do is spend time with my best friends. I definitely don't plan to moan to them or sit with a negative attitude, but more to pick their brains to find out what they think I'm good at, what they think I'm suited to doing and how they'd recommend improving my confidence. As they know me best, hopefully it's a good place to start!

Any chance of a weekend off?

My weekends seem to be constantly filled with things. It's amazing being busy and seeing friends, but it also leaves me wondering when I'm going to get things done - for example making the Christmas cake, doing Christmas shopping, cleaning the house - not to mention all of the boring chores that just need doing. It would also be nice to spend some quality time with my other half (although we've done quite well with that this week).

Sometimes, though, it's worth being busy. I'm currently making potential plans go to London to visit a friend who will be over from the States. She is suffering from depression at the moment, and has jumped at the chance to stay in a friend's flat in London for a while and cat-sit, which is brilliant. A few of us are trying to get there to visit as well, hopefully to help her start to feel better, but at the very least so that she knows we are there for her. Part of me is thinking that I don't really have the time or the money to do this, but I think her need is greater. It will just mean that I need to be very good at planning, and strategically use the couple of days that I can still take off work so that I can do things like Christmas shopping during that time.

I will definitely have to be careful if I'm going to do this. Knowing that there are a lot of things that I need/want to get done, there is a good chance that I will end up stressing a lot about when I'm going to be able to do them. If/when I book my train tickets, I am going to have to make a solid plan and ensure that I stick to it. It's not going to be easy. However, sometimes our own problems need to be set aside for a time so that all of our care and attention can be focussed on someone that really needs it.

Holiday downtime

The last couple of days have been a bit tougher. All of the things I was preparing at work (over the last few weeks) are being put to the test this week, and that has been on my mind. It's not like I've been sitting obsessing over it at all, but it has been there, just in the back of my mind, popping up every so often and reminding me that it's there. I'm not sure whether my abdominal pain is due to that stress, or due to me eating things that I probably don't tolerate.

Yesterday my mum, brother and I went on a Via Ferrata - it was a little bit terrifying in places to be honest, although once I got going I was okay. We went to the one at Honister Pass in the Lake District. It was really good fun, even if I did keep saying 'I don't like it!' at points. We got there though, and it was well worth it. More details are here.

I was quite calm at this point!

What I realised afterwards though, is that my confidence is shot. I'm not scared of heights at all, yet climbing down staples stuck in a rock face terrified me and I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it. In all honesty, I kind of feel the same about work. It doesn't quite terrify me in the same way, but I constantly wonder whether I'm good enough or just think I'm not. I can never get through everything I need to get through, I often can't tell whether I've done things properly and generally feel like I don't know enough to do my work thoroughly.

I don't know why my confidence is so low. I have never been the most confident person, however I always believed in my own abilities (for example at school and university) - suddenly I no longer do. On the plus side, one of the 'problems' I have with work has been identified and that hopefully means that I can try to do something about it. Over the next week or so I plan to have a search around for resources and see whether there's anything I can try to put into practice.

What a difference a day makes

I had wondered how I would feel today. I'm on annual leave, but that doesn't usually stop me worrying about work - normally I worry about whether I've done a good enough job that other people can pick up where I left off, and whether I've handed everything over, whether I've done my work thoroughly enough... the list goes on.

As it turns out, I feel pretty good. I've mostly been distracted enough to not think about work (spending time with my family and going out for walks). What I'm now trying to achieve is not worrying about work if I do happen to think about it, but trusting that I've done my work well enough that everything's going fine. In any case, they'd phone me if there was an urgent problem. So far I'm doing okay. Seeing my family is definitely helping. It's a bit like being a small kid again, and your parents look after you and 'worry' about the important things (by which I mean making sure there's enough food to eat etc - not even really anything worth worrying about!). It just means that, for once, I can actually switch my brain off and just relax. So far, I think it's working.

Since Friday I've only taken a few tablets and my stomach hasn't been that bad. I've also done relatively well at reducing (not cutting out) gluten. I ate a scone this morning and have had a bit of a dodgy tummy since then. I didn't put two and two together at the time, and figured I'd just had too much sugar, but thinking about it maybe it is the gluten. I'm interested to see whether a change of diet does make a difference. I've not changed my eating habits thoroughly enough to know for sure at the moment, but once the holiday is over next week I plan to try. I've moved the majority of my diet onto low FODMAP foods, but it tends to be the odd snack that sneaks in (scones, or cheese biscuits for example). And I'm sure I'm eating too much sugar in general. However, one step at a time.

I can't remember when I last felt this relaxed. It was probably when my lovely other half and I were in California last year, in all honesty. A day makes a hell of a difference - I've only had one day off work so far this holiday (not even a full one yet, there are still 45 minutes to go before the end of the working day at our office!) and I feel so much better. It just goes to show that a change in situation (for me spending time with my family) can completely change how you feel. It probably helps that I know that I have the whole week off, so I'm not thinking about going back to work yet, but I had never imagined that I would relax this quickly. I'm so excited that I'm not completely broken, and really hoping that this week will let me recover as much as possible.