Wedding Nerves

Why is life so difficult? Every time I think I've conquered something, some sort of occurrence just proves I haven't. Or at least provides something new to be conquered.

I thought I had sussed out my awful stomach aches, yet twice within the last week I've had a grumbly tummy without having eating any gluten. Last weekend we had friends over for board games and I drank wine, ate crisps and chocolate, and had a takeaway (I realise how bad that sounds, and maybe it's no wonder I had stomach ache). I didn't eat any gluten, yet when I went to bed I felt like I had food poisoning. I did not sleep well at all! I got up early and went to sleep on the sofa for a bit which helped, but my stomach still wasn't good. I genuinely think I just went a bit overboard - I mean, that list of 'goodies' above is probably enough to make anyone feel ill. I certainly wouldn't rule out food poisoning either. Due to lack of sleep and feeling bad, I cancelled the kettle bells class I had signed up for, and I still feel it was the best decision. I actually did have quite a nice day once my stomach more or less settled - I did some gardening for the first time in months, made jam, and planted some seeds in the kitchen.

The other time I felt bad was last night. We went out for dinner (reoccurring theme here, eating food I haven't cooked myself...) with a big bunch of friends to Pizza Express, and a good time was had. I had told myself I would have a gluten free pizza and water, and that would be it. This was partly because after the above mentioned games night, I figured I would give up alcohol until our wedding (only another three weeks!). I failed already though. To be fair, I only had one glass of wine, not a heavy night or anything. I just completely lacked any willpower to refuse when everyone else was ordering wine or beer. Driving would have prevented me from drinking, but it was so closed it seemed silly... Anyway, my gluten free pizza was tiny, so I ended up having a brownie for dessert (gluten free). It was really good, and I enjoyed it and didn't in any way regret eating it, but I did have stomach ache later. Luckily it wasn't too bad, the emergency Buscopan saved me and my sleep wasn't too disrupted.

I am starting to think that wine is a large part of the problem, and frankly, that sucks. Going to have to rethink my drinking.

Wedding nerves are starting to kick in. Not about actually getting married or anything, I'm very, very happy about that bit. I'm just nervous about whether people will have a good time, whether I will look okay in my dress, whether the things I've made will look good enough and not like a five-year-old has done them... the list goes on. I went to pick up my dress today and tried it on, and needed help doing it up! It did up, but only just. It's not actually uncomfortable, but if I try to eat anything with it on it might explode. The next three weeks have to be über healthy for me, and given the tales of my lack of willpower above, it's going to be hard work. I have been pretty good today, so we'll see how long it lasts. I also picked up our wedding rings, and had doubts about mine. It's a gorgeous ring, I really do love it. The problem is that my engagement ring is a funny shape - the metal kind of twists around the diamond - so it's a bit curvy. My wedding ring has a slight curve, so it doesn't look totally weird next to my engagement ring, but I didn't want a wedding ring that fitted round the engagement ring, as I want to be able to wear the wedding ring on its own. However, that means that the two rings don't fit together smoothly and I put them on and wasn't sure I liked how they looked. I think I've decided I do actually really like them like that, but it's one of those stupid things that just bugged me. Don't even get me started on how my arms look in proportion to the rest of me in my wedding dress... I haven't really been stressed about the wedding at all, but now that it's actually almost here I am starting to panic a bit. Still, as long as we get married, I'm sure it'll all be fine.

To end the post on a positive note, one thing I am really happy about is that spring is finally showing itself, meaning I can garden again. Gardening is my therapy, and my garden is my joy. Eventually it will be my pride too, but we're working on that - there's a long way to go! Even just weeding for a couple of hours makes me feel so much better. I love being out in the fresh air, making things look pretty, being in nature. It does absolute wonders for the mind, and probably for the body too. The weather has been beautiful today, so fingers crossed we get plenty more like it. I made my other half help me measure the garden yesterday so I can start to actually plan it a bit more. I want to put a vegetable bed in this year and start growing some crops, then if it works, put in a couple more beds next year. My dream is to have a potting shed... I feel so middle aged already!

Long time no blog....

Oh dear, how has so much time passed without me posting? Seriously, February has flown by. A few more days and March will be upon us.

Things carry on where we are. Mostly, things have improved. My other half is happier, I am happier... but financially we could do with him starting a new job soon. Either that, or we'll have to review our spending somewhat. Our mortgage statement for the last calendar year came through this week, and it has made me determined to try to put some savings towards it as an additional payment, as the amount of interest we are paying is terrifying! I want it gone as soon as possible, but the trick is finding the right balance, so we have a life and actually still have fun, but save as much as we can to put towards the mortgage at the same time. It's tough being a responsible adult!

My other half is not totally content, he definitely needs to get some sort of job. My worry is that he will stress and worry in whatever he does, as he is that type of person. I just don't want to see him miserable again. He will be getting some help, which is good, but I just hope it really does help him. We need to move on, as much as he is enjoying his life of leisure. If moving on actually means him being a house husband, then we need to reassess our spending and saving and make a new plan.

Meanwhile, my stomach is generally okay. I'm still mostly gluten free, and still mostly doing okay. It remains unclear whether the problem is gluten or wheat, or something else entirely. However, as things are pretty good at the moment, I will carry on being more-or-less gluten free for now. I've been trying out some recipes (the gluten free pancakes were not wonderful, but the cereal bar type things I've made are lovely).

It's now only just over four weeks until we get married. I'm excited about the wedding - mostly about seeing all my favourite people in one place and eating cake. Getting married itself? Yes, I am looking forward to that too. But mostly seeing people and eating cake!

Life Update

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. Time just seems to be flying by. It's less than seven weeks until I get married now. Luckily, I am just feeling very excited about it and not really stressed at all. Mostly I'm just looking forward to having all my favourite people in one place. I dreamt the other night that I'd turned up at the ceremony in my dress but didn't have my shoes, we hadn't collected the rings and we hadn't sorted out any music - and my reaction was, 'oh well, let's just get married anyway'. I really hope that's how I end up feeling in real life, as I'm sure some things won't go to plan!

Right now, I feel so much better and I think I'm in a good place. Don't get me wrong, work is still stressful and I woke up this morning thinking of the huge number of things I need to do at work tomorrow. However, I think I've managed to push those out of my brain more or less for the moment, and I will deal with them when I get to the office tomorrow morning. Stomach-wise, cutting out gluten really seems to have done the job. I initially tried to give up a load of high FODMAP foods, which was too difficult and too big a jump, and back in September I was mostly eating plain carbs, as I couldn't face much fruit and veg. Since deciding to give up gluten and forget about everything else for a while, my diet has stabilised somewhat and it's some time since I've had bad abdominal pains. I still sometimes take medication if my stomach feels a bit troubled, or sometimes on a Sunday night/Monday morning when my return-to-work stress levels are a bit high, but other than that it's doing so well. I cannot explain the relief I feel.

I'm sure part of being in a good place is due to my other half no longer being at work. My emotional wellbeing is able to start recovering, as I worry about my other half much less, and as he is less sad, it is taking far less of a toll on me. He is definitely going to have to get around to finding a new job at some point, as we will get to the point where we need the money really, but for now I'm so glad he's having some time off.

Given my love of baking, I'm in the market for some good gluten free recipes now. Luckily there are loads on the internet, and I have tried out the Doves Farm Christmas cake recipe as I wanted a gluten free tier for our wedding cake (yes, I am making it myself - see sentence professing my love of baking). I had to try it out and take it to work before making the actual wedding cake tier, and I'm pleased to say it was really nice. I was really impressed with it - it's not the same as my usual rich fruit cake that I make for Christmas, but it is a solid fruit cake. It actually reminds me a bit more of Simnel cake rather than Christmas cake, but as I love Simnel cake that's definitely not a bad thing anyway.

I do need to shift my eating habits a little closer to the healthy end - I'm still eating a few too many treats - however in general, it has got back to normal a lot faster than it did after Christmas last year! I'm slowly gaining new/regaining old habits. I have got back to eating porridge for breakfast rather than cereal, which for me is good as the gluten free cereal I can get either has added sugar or a lot of dried fruit. By eating porridge I can focus more on protein, and add some fresh fruit. I've also managed to get into the habit of flossing every night, which is a big improvement. In addition to that, I've got back into the habit of exercising regularly. Now that I'm paying for a gym membership, it kind of makes me go! I've been swimming three times this week, and to a kettle bells class (followed by a very quick swim to stretch off). I'm also trying to do some arm exercises at home with my dumbbells - hoping to tone up a bit in time to wear my strapless wedding dress!

Anyway, although I haven't managed to do an assessment each day for January as I'd planned, it has turned out to be a good, productive month, and in all honesty I think it has been very much an assessment. Maybe things moved faster than planned, but that's no bad thing.

February is going to be a month for progress. I'm hoping to continue progressing my return to healthy eating, the exercise I'm doing (not so much doing more exercise and progressing my fitness), our wedding preparations, and my other half's situation. I don't have a goal for him, such as finding a new job, I just want him to be in a better place. That might mean finding a job, it might just mean preparing himself to look. Either way, as long as we make some progress, I'm happy.

He did it!

He did it! My wonderful other half handed in his notice on Monday, and as he didn't need to work his notice, left immediately. It was definitely the right decision. It was no longer the right place or job for him. He seems a lot less sad, although I can tell that he's now worrying about other things - whether he'll find a new job, money, sorting things out (he needs a new phone as his previous one was provided by work), and he feels guilty that I'm out working when he's at home. Personally, I am happier now that he has left his job. I am happy that he is out of there and not worrying and stressing about work anymore. It is much better for him. If necessary, I would carry on how things are at the moment for quite a while. As much as I'd love to be a housewife, as things stand, I'd be happy for him to be a househusband! I think he will get fed up of being at home after a while, and he will definitely worry about the money - so I think a new job will be on the cards soon. That's fine by me as well, as the extra money wouldn't hurt, especially since we love going on holiday!

The other benefit that this change has had is that I talk about work less at home, and I'm therefore able to switch off more easily. I don't want to talk about it in front of him really, as I don't want to make him feel down or guilty, and it does mean that I think about it less myself as a result. That is definitely a good thing, as it's very very busy and a bit stressful at the moment. I don't feel too bad though...

I hadn't really been doing too much of my own thing recently, as I'd been trying to be in to be with my other half and make him feel better, but I've managed to do more this week. I went to my choir practice on Monday, and managed a swim on Tuesday evening and this evening, and plan to go to a friend's for wine tomorrow. It's nice getting used to a new normal.

Making a big change

Last week (as usual) ended up being a complete mixed bag, which resulted in a decision to make a big change.

I was feeling quite low last Wednesday, but managed to pull myself out of the funk. I went to a dance class which probably helped. However, on Thursday my lovely other half was very, very low. He was down to the point of almost crying. As he has done so many times, he contemplated handing in his notice. He hadn't had an awful day, but there were a few things that seemed to just push him over the edge. We got up and although he was feeling awful, we headed to work, with him saying on the way that he would hand in his notice on Monday. He had already decided the week before to do this, but then he'd had an okay day at work and decided to hang around a bit longer.

On our way home from work on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured that like the week before, there was a good chance that he'd had an okay day and chosen to stay put for now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) he was still feeling incredibly low. We had a really good talk on Friday evening, and he made the decision to hand in his notice tomorrow. The turning point for me was the fact that his day at work on Friday had, in fact, been perfectly fine, but he still felt awful. To me, this signifies that the job is really not for him, and that he needs additional help. We wrote the letter he will take tomorrow, so now it just needs printing out. I think it's the right decision, as I have watched him slip further and further down into a deep sadness, and I think this is a step back up. I don't expect things to suddenly improve drastically, but it should be a small (big?) step in the right direction. In addition, his counselling referral details have come through, so we need to call them this week. I really just hope that the two things combined will put him on the right path for him, and make him happier.

My poor, wonderful other half is, of course, worried that he won't be earning and that it will be unfair on me. The way I see it is that the happier he is, the happier I am. He's worried about what other people will think of him, and he does not like quitting. I have pointed out to him that it's not quitting, it's choosing to leave. It's not that he can't do the work/cope in this company, it's a decision that he no longer wants to do it.

I have to say, that I don't know if I want to stay in my job, but I'm staying put for now. I wasn't sad that I didn't get an interview for the job I applied for (well, a little in that I don't like not doing well, but I wasn't sad I wouldn't get to leave my job). My main priority is sticking it out for a bit, as I do love my colleagues and some days I even feel like I've had a good day, and making sure my other half starts becoming happier. Maybe once he has found a new job and is settled, I'll think about looking.

It is definitely going to be a big change. For almost four and half years, we have worked together, and that's about to come to an end. In some ways it will be sad, but I really think it is the right decision.

I am trying to manage my stress by not working early or late, and by just highlighting to my colleagues when I'm not getting through work. It's a lot easier to do that now than it was a year ago. So far so good, I haven't had early starts or late finishes since Christmas, so I think I've made progress.

In completely different news, my stomach has been much better since I more or less gave up gluten. The really big news though (and I've no idea if this is in any way related to me giving up gluten, probably not), is that I've had my first natural period in over twelve years. It was such a momentous occasion I had to tell my friend at work. A little TMI maybe, but it was exciting. I don't want children at the moment, but I now feel like I might have a chance at having them in the future if we decide we want them. Funnily enough, my period arrived just after I'd made an appointment to go to the doctors to talk about the pill (I 'accidentally' came off it a few months ago, when I ran out without realising). Having had no periods for three years though when was 19-21, this is huge news, so we'll have to see what the doctor says this week.

It's going to be a hell of a week.

Carrying on...

Last week kind of improved as it went on. I'm not sure whether it got better, or whether we just felt like the weekend was nearly here! In any case, it wasn't so bad by the end, and my other half's levels of sadness never quite reached the rock bottom levels of last Sunday again. We are waiting for the counselling referral from the doctor for him, and until then just taking each day as it comes, one at a time.

I applied for the job that I liked the look of. Interviews are supposed to be next Monday, so I should know this week whether I've got that far. I'm hoping I hear soon, as I will need to book the day off if I'm going to go. I really hope I at least get an interview - I need hope that I can do something else. In general, I've been feeling okay - at times even like I want to stay in my current job. I really enjoy being with my colleagues. However, today really put an end to that. Nothing bad happened, but I don't enjoy the work and it is sucking out my soul! I need to move on, so after this week I'll be searching for and applying for other jobs. If it turns out it's impractical to go to interviews whilst working, I may get to the point where I just hand in my notice.

It's hard to know what's best.

Back to work

Sunday was definitely not a good day for my lovely other half. He was depressed and feeling very low. When I suggested going to the doctors, he didn't protest at all. It was so hard to see him like that. I am doing my best to keep floating, but it's very difficult at times. I was finding it tough to stay positive myself, so I felt like my other half's sadness just pushed me back under. However, I have been okay. I dragged my other half out for a walk and some fresh air, which I think helped a little, as he was okay enough for me to take a little time out to go swimming. That really helped me and relaxed me a bit.

Yesterday was the dreaded return to work, which was of course okay in the end. My lovely other half felt a bit better having gone back and found it to be not as bad as anticipated. The anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of it. That said, it is incredibly stressful and pressurised, so it's not always pleasant being there (we work at the same place, I'm not sure whether I've said that).
Today was not as good as yesterday, and we were both feeling a bit meh at the end of the day. We went to the doctors today for my other half's depression (side note: I was very impressed that I called yesterday morning and got an appointment after office hours today already). He's going to be referred for counselling, which is a good step. It's my OH's birthday today (poor guy having to go to the doctors on his birthday), so we went to ASDA after and bought a film and then ordered a takeaway as a treat. The result is a slightly improved mood, but also an increased resolve to find a new job. In a way, I think that's a good thing.

Tomorrow is another day. I've signed up for a Zumba class tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to letting off some steam there and working up a sweat. After that I have to make a video for a job application. In a weird way, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Assessment #1

I mentioned in my last post that my lovely other half and I would be assessing each day in January, so that at the end of the month we can look back and easily see how we felt throughout the month. This will hopefully then show us whether we need to kickstart some change in our lives.

The first three days of January have been mixed. I have had a niggling sadness, but I have just about managed to overcome it by focussing on the things I enjoy. I've been sewing (and planning some future sewing projects) and went swimming on Friday. However, my other half has been particularly sad, which has been hard for me to cope with as well. Given that I have put quite a lot of effort into keeping myself positive, it's hard to deal with someone else's seemingly perpetual sadness as well. Yesterday afternoon we had a short drive out and took our new camera to take some pictures - I figured that a bit of fresh air and movement might do us both good. Sure enough, it definitely helped, although the sadness set in again soon.

The good thing is that I think he is at the point where he also wants to do something about it. I am also set to do something about it. I've found one job to apply for - I doubt I have much chance, but after speaking to a friend I decided to apply for it, as it means I am truly serious about finding a new job. Unfortunately, I have no idea how much it pays - the job advert just states 'competitive', which I think usually means it isn't high. Money is definitely not everything, and not even my priority, however I need to know that I would be able to pay my mortgage and bills, and save enough that I feel secure. I'm applying anyway though, and I guess we'll just see what happens.

I suppose the summary for the first few days of January is mixed to positive for me - although some of that is due to me thinking that this is going to be the year that I change things, and therefore not caring so much about my current job.

New Year...New Me?

Happy new year! I'm going to be honest, right now I don't feel particularly happy, and I suspect that it might have something to do with the fact that 2015 feels very daunting right now (that and it's quite grey and gloomy outside).

I said to my wonderful other half yesterday that I want to make sure that in 2015 I feel less sad than I did in 2014. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of lovely parts of 2014, it's not like I sat in sadness all year. However, there were definitely more sad times than I really wanted to deal with. Unfortunately, knowing that work is often the root of my sadness, dealing with it seems scary. If I do get to the point where I decide that the only way to make myself happier again is to leave my job and do something different, I would be leaving everything I know in the world of work, leaving my fantastic friends and colleagues, and leaving a well-paid job. This terrifies me. I'm confident I would be able to find another job, but I'm not confident I would find something I'd really enjoy as I don't know that I have the experience - I only really have business analyst experience, and I'd like to do something creative. If I did somehow manage to get a job that I thought I would enjoy, I would worry that I wouldn't be any good at it. And what if it didn't work out? What if I couldn't afford to keep up my mortgage payments?

Admittedly, that's the extreme version - who knows, maybe I can just deal with my current work better. But either way, I want to be happier.

Given that my lovely other half also suffers from periodic sadness due to work (we both work at the same place - although we are also both similar in that we worry and stress about things a lot, so I have no idea whether it's really due to the work or whether we'd do that in any job), I have decided that each day in January we are going to rate our happiness/sadness level. At the end of January, we'll look back at the month and see how many days we have felt sad, happy etc and why. That way, we can work out whether we need to be looking to change something, and hopefully work out what.

I'm definitely expecting that we're going to need to change something. However, my lovely other half is just as scared as I am, so it's not going to be easy.

I'm going to try to post my daily 'rating' on here each day so that I have somewhere to track it.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to start doing things I really do love in order to make myself happy. Work shouldn't be all consuming, and I'm going to try to make sure that it isn't. I joined a local gym yesterday, as they have a swimming pool (I had a week's trial there before Christmas) and not only do I enjoy swimming, it normally makes me feel better. We've also just bought ourselves as DSLR as a Christmas/wedding present, so I'm looking forward to using it, trying things out, and hopefully learning to take some good photos. Choir starts again on Monday, and that always gives me a good release, and I can now throw myself into wedding preparations! I have plenty of crafting to get on with, and that usually puts me in a great frame of mind.

Even just writing this has been quite cathartic and has improved my mood. I do have such a lot to be thankful for. Maybe I'll go swimming as well though...

Wishing everyone a happy, and healthy, 2015.