Letting go

It's the weekend! Hooray! I'm definitely starting to feel better. I took my hot water bottle to work yesterday and today and didn't use it once. I've continued to take the Buscopan, and probably will do so at least tomorrow and maybe the next couple of days. I find it hard to switch off, and I can definitely see myself stressing about work next week whilst I'm off. As well as not switching off well, I find it hard to let go of my work. I had a really productive day today - basically because we had to! I had to make sure everything was handed over, and I think we got there. Now I'm just hoping that the next part of the project happening next week goes well. Even though I've passed it on, I still worry about it as it was my work and I will always fret about whether I've done everything I needed to, and whether I've done it properly. I need to remember that it's now with someone else, and that that person is very competent, and that if I've missed something she will pick it up, the same way I would if our roles were reversed. For next week at least, it's not mine to worry about.

It's difficult. Letting go of something that you've invested yourself in is not easy. It's hard not to dwell on things. When you've spent a lot time and effort on something, you want to see it through, make sure it's done properly and in a way, gain closure by completing it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that, and neither does my job. It's therefore incredibly important that I find some way of letting go.

There must be ways of learning to let go of things. I intend to try the following:

• reminding myself that my colleagues are amazing, so the project is in good hands
• lots of fresh air and exercise, time with family and activities so that I forget about work completely
• breathing techniques if I do start thinking about work - concentrating on breathing in and out, and pushing work thoughts out of my mind
• trusting people - it fits with the first point really - reminding myself that it won't fall apart without me
• if I do end up stressing, putting things into perspective and thinking 'what's the worst that could happen?'. You know what? It's not that bad.

Aside from all of that, I intend to focus on the positive things - a week off, seeing my wonderful family, spending time with my amazing other half, doing fun things, hopefully playing board games, eating out... So whilst enjoying my week off, I hope to learn better how to let go. After all, I don't actually need more responsibility at work - I have enough of that already - so I'm going to try to see letting go of bits of work as a blessing.

And relax...

A little better

Today I feel a little better. The pain and nausea haven't been anywhere near as big a problem as they have been recently. I'm not really sure whether that's down to taking the medication, my swim, actually stressing less or because I only have one more day left at work before a week off (hooray!).

I woke up in the night and immediately started thinking about the work I had to do. Somehow, I managed to use the meditation techniques from the class last week and concentrate only on my breathing. It really helped me to relax and drift back to sleep, so I'll definitely be putting that into practice more often. The things I was worrying about weren't even things I desperately had to do today, though I do need to do them tomorrow!

Work is crazy busy. I sit down to work on something and my phone rings, I get called away to help other people, I get interrupted by people asking questions... it goes on. I really don't mind helping other people - it's good to share knowledge - but it makes it difficult to get on with my own work at times. I'm going to try to get there slightly early tomorrow so that I can plan my day properly before work really begins. That should hopefully set me in good stead for the rest of the day. Fingers crossed.

Planning is just essential for me if I want to avoid stress, or at least reduce it. It isn't easy, and even if I do manage to form a good plan, it's likely that it won't run as I intend it to. Somehow it's just a case of prioritising as much as possible and, if completely necessary, asking people to get help elsewhere.

I feel more positive though. We will get there.

For better or worse?

After feeling rubbish yesterday, I decided to be a good girl and take the tablets the doctor recommended. I still didn't feel great for some of the morning, but it has definitely been better today in general. Whilst I don't want to rely on the medication, at least I know I can get some relief from the pain and nausea. So hooray!

I still haven't got anywhere with work, but I'm feeling a little better about it. We at least have a plan. I also had a one on one meeting today with a guy who comes and works with our company to help us improve - both as a company and as individuals. He's really good and has a lot of excellent advice on how to be more positive and achieve more. Anyway, he'd spoken to some of my colleagues before meeting with me and they had some really great things to say. That definitely gave me a bit of a boost.

In even more positive news, I actually made myself go swimming this evening. It wasn't a long swim, but it was enjoyable. I find that doing enough exercise to get out of breath does me good, and makes me feel much better mentally (and hopefully has a good impact physically as well!). I only recently started swimming again and I love it - I love doing exercise without getting sweaty!

This evening I feel much better. I still felt pretty stressed at the end of work, so I'm mostly putting it down to swimming and to my wonderful other half, who somehow always knows how to make me feel better. Even just a hug from him improves my mood immensely. I also think the Buscopan is helping - I just want to make sure I get to a point where I don't have to take them every day.

I feel incredibly tired and worn down, and in desperate need of a holiday. What I could really do with is a month off, but given that I can't have that, a week and a day will have to do. Only 48 hours to go until that's a reality, and in the meantime I'll try to relax a bit more whilst I'm having a break from the pain. Hooray!

Solving problems (and hopefully stomach ache)

Today was back to work again, and whilst it wasn't a bad day, I have had nausea pretty much all day. I really need to learn how to deal with it. I do have tablets that I can take when it gets bad (Buscopan), but I don't really want to take them more than I need to. My doctor told me I can take them several times a day, every day - and that some people do as a matter of course. I really don't want to end up relying on them though, so I'm trying not to take them. Thinking about it logically, it seems silly not to make myself feel better, but I think part of me feels that if I take them, I can't tell whether my dietary changes (which still aren't fully formed) are taking effect.

I don't think the stomach pain is really food related, at least not in the main. I think that 80% of it is probably stress induced. I have next week off (hurray!), and I'm really looking forward to it. However, the stress head side of me is just thinking about how much I need to get done in the next three days so that other people can pick up my work whilst I'm off. There is really plenty of time for me to get all of the necessary work done; the problem is that I generally get interrupted a lot and asked to do other things as well, and that's what's going to take the time.

What I need to do in this case is stop stressing about the problem and start finding solutions. I can tell people who interrupt me that they're going to have to come back later. I will prioritise. I can ask other people to pick up some bits of work. There is not one big problem 'I can't get all my work done', there are several small problems that can be solved. In my case, there's one big bit of work that I'm doing with someone else that really needs to be done, or at least passed over fully to my colleague. At times I don't work on it as I have so many other tasks, I want to get some of those out of the way. However, I think in this case the smaller tasks are going to have to wait - they are less important. Although I might feel better if I only have one task instead of ten, if that one is huge and important, it needs prioritising. So tomorrow morning when I arrive at work, I will write my 'to do' list, spend half an hour getting a few small things out of the way, and then I will get to work on the larger task. I think once we start tackling it, it will be fine and (hopefully) I'll be able to wind down and then enjoy my time off.

In the meantime though, I might just take that medication as well.

A down day

Today I have a day off and I should, in theory, feel relaxed and be enjoying the free time (and the break from work). I am enjoying the free time, but I definitely don't feel relaxed.

We spend the weekend with my other half's brother, which included a trip to Wembley yesterday for the NFL game. It was a great game and I really enjoyed it, and I think I even managed to switch off a little. Somehow, though, I just haven't been able to relax at all. This morning we drove back home and I just kept thinking of all of the things I need to do - it wasn't even work that was on my mind. I was feeling tired, which never helps, and I just kept thinking of things I would need to do - washing, food shopping, renewing the car insurance, sorting some more wedding things... The list goes on. I should really do some singing practice as well. My other half is ill, so he's not up to much and I'm trying to look after him, and I seem to have a dodgy tummy.

Anyway, somehow one load of washing has been done, another one is in, there's now enough food in the fridge to last us a few days and I've renewed the car insurance. Wedding stuff is just going to have to wait though. I have choir practice this evening anyway, so I'll go to that, then try to do some practice one evening this week. What I'm saying is that everything that needs doing this afternoon is done, and I'm therefore having a rest. Yes, I have lots of other things to do, but they can wait. I'm trying to make peace with this and accept that not doing these things this afternoon isn't a problem, it won't make anything any worse. Today is a holiday day, so I am going to relax and do something I want to do, not something I think I should do.

I still don't know what's causing my abdominal pain and nausea. I'm almost certain that a large part of it is stress, but I don't think it's the full story. In general I've been trying to cut out gluten and other high FODMAP foods, however as we were away at the weekend I just ate whatever I felt like eating, so it's possibly (probably) just that. I do have some medication I can take if the pain/sickness get too bad, but I don't want to take it too much. My doctor told me that a lot of people take it every day as a matter of course, however if I can remove the cause I'd prefer to do that. What this means is that I'm going to have to experiment for a while. In any case, it's back to low FODMAP if possible for a while to see whether it does make a difference. I still need to do further research to fully understand what I 'should' and 'shouldn't' be eating, however this Wikipedia article explains what FODMAPs are and is a good starting point.

Meditation

I went to my first meditation class on Thursday this week. The hotel where we're having our wedding reception gave us a free, three-month gym membership and they offer a few classes, including a meditation class. Given how awful I've been feeling, I decided it couldn't hurt to go along and try it.

There were only about eight or nine of us there - the other people were really lovely, and since the teacher was a bit late the others welcomed me and gave me the lowdown whilst we were waiting. I was a bit worried that the class would be very new-agey, but my fear was completely unfounded. It was very relaxing and calming. We did some slow, gentle movements, then it was time for deep meditation. We could opt to sit on a chair or lie down - I opted for the chair as that's what most people  did and I had no idea what to expect! We were asked to close our eyes, completely relax our bodies then concentrate on our breathing. As is wont to happen, thoughts kept drifting into my mind, but every so often the teacher would calmly instruct us to push away any thoughts and concentrate on our breathing again. She had a very gentle voice, that wasn't at all disturbing. I think I nearly fell asleep about ten times during the half hour that we were in deep meditation!

It was definitely a little bit weird, but I think I'll go back next week. Aside from anything, I think it will be really good to continue learning to empty my mind and not think about things. I'm hoping that with practice, I'll be able to do it as and when I have a particularly stressful moment just to relieve the worst of it. It's hard to say how effective it is after just one session, but I did sleep well that night and I didn't have terrible stomach aches the day after. The lack of stomach aches could also be attributed to the fact that it was the end of the week though, and perhaps mentally I was winding down to the weekend. In any case, it seems to be an avenue worth pursuing and fingers crossed, it will have some results.

Weekend - time to switch off?

Work is over from the weekend and it's time to switch off. Theoretically, anyway. Usually at this point on a Friday I am going over all my 'to do' lists in my head and trying to organise myself, working out what I will be doing when and how I'm going to fit it all into the weekend.

Today I have actually taken some time out to not do that. There are a couple of reasons for this: firstly we have Monday off work, so I don't have to cram everything in to two days; and secondly, we're going to stay with my brother-in-law (to be) for the weekend, so I won't be at home to have to do all of the zillions of things on my never-ending 'to do' lists. Going away is definitely good for me, as it means I can't be doing house stuff and it distracts me from work stuff.

Unfortunately, we can't be away on holiday every weekend and so there are a lot of times when I am at home, busily cleaning, tidying, fixing, DIY-ing, gardening etc etc - the list goes on. I am slowly trying to accept that there will ALWAYS be things that need doing, and I will never have enough time to do them all - not if I actually want to have a life as well. So whilst this weekend I can switch off, the next time I have a weekend at home and I'm working through my list, I will be trying to prioritise and considering 'what's the worst that would happen if I don't do this?'. I bet most of the time the answer will be 'nothing'. I mean really, who actually cares whether I have hoovered behind the sofa or cleaned inside the kitchen cupboards? No-one else will. Not that I have ever got round to cleaning inside the kitchen cupboards, it's just on my list.

Sometimes you just have to stop caring. Or at least learn to care a little less. Caring is a good thing, but caring too much can lead to stress. I know for a fact that I care too much about my job and about what other people think about my ability to do my job. I am trying to care a bit less. It doesn't mean that I'll put less effort in or do less work, it just means that I will try to put it into perspective. It is a job. It's a good job, and I want to do it well. I want to be proud of what I do. I want my colleagues to see me as knowledgeable and as a valued member of the company. However, at the end of the day I don't want to be making myself ill in order to do all of that. Again, I am trying to notice when parts of my project are causing me to stress and to ask myself 'what's the worst that could happen if I don't complete that on time/don't get that exactly right/leave that until next week/drop that completely/ask someone else to do that?'. More often than not, the consequence, in the grand scheme of things, is not worth me ruining my health. If there is a really good reason to make sure we get something done, that gets prioritised.

I take a lot of pride in my work, but I am trying to remember that I can't do everything myself either. I need to rely on other people, and that's okay.

When all is said and done, none of my friends are going to think less of me if I my home isn't perfect when they come to stay. Being ill while they're here though just isn't fun. So I'll dust the TV stand (it's black so the dust shows terribly!), make sure the bathroom's clean and that the hallway is hoovered, but if we need to go out for dinner because I haven't had time to plan a meal, do the food shopping and then actually cook, so be it.

The start of a new journey

I turn thirty in a few weeks, and I can safely say that life so far hasn't turned out the way I expected it to. As a language student, I figured I'd end up moving abroad to work and live, maybe as a teacher or a translator/interpreter.

What actually happened is that I fell in love shortly before graduating and after spending one year in Austria (which was already planned), I came back to the UK to settle. I don't regret it for one second -  next year I will be marrying that guy I fell in love with nearly eight years ago! For over four years I've been working as a systems analyst at a software company, which is definitely not what I thought I'd do. I work with loads of amazing people, but it's a very stressful atmosphere and I put a lot of pressure on myself. Add to that the fact that we bought a house almost a year ago and have more responsibility to deal with (though I do love that we're in our own place), and that we're planning a wedding... well, my brain is in overdrive.

After suffering from stomach aches and nausea for several months, I was recently diagnosed with probably IBS. I have some medication for bad times, however I'm trying to alleviate it naturally as much as possible - by changing my diet and relieving stress.

So far all I can say is that it seems it's going to be slow progress. I'm trying to cut out gluten and other FODMAP foods, but it's not easy and I'm not even sure that those foods are the problem. This is going to be a long ride...